Engage Brain While Shopping
Last year my mother stumbled in on the 23rd of December, dropped more bags than I could count on the floor and headed straight for an open bottle of wine wailing 'Right. That's it. I'm finished. No more.' with resolute finality. She seemed so relieved that she had finally gotten everything out of the way and managed to buy presents for our entire (rather large) extended family that I didn't have the heart to point out her major faux pas as we wrapped them later on.

For my Uncle she'd bought a build-it-youself kit of one of those games where you have to guide the hook along the wire without touching it otherwise it buzzes. When she told me who it was for I queried it, sure that I'd mishead her, but no it was indeed for my Uncle. 'He used to love making things' she said 'and it'll keep him and the grandkids busy for ages, your Auntie will think its heaven sent.' she concluded. I bit my lip and muttered an 'okay' before leaving the room quickly in case I started laughing. She seemed to have forgotten the minor fact that my uncle had been diagnosed with parkinsons only six months earlier.

As much as I love him I spent the entire day giggling over the fact that their christmas would be punctuated by a constant stream of 'Right.' Buzz. 'Fuck!' Buzz. 'Arseholes!' Buzz. 'Shitfuckwankertitbum!' Buzz. Very possibly followed by the sound of things being gleefully smashed into smithereens.

This year she bought him gloves. Phew.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Fri 23 Dec 2005, 18:58, Reply)