I was a football superstar
I've only played football once in the past 22 years. This is for two reasons: my secondary school was a rugby institution; and I am shit at football, and don't see the attraction (and obviously these two considerations are to each other as chicken is to egg).

On the other hand, my primary school did have a football team; and, because it was quite a small primary school, I was on that team by default. Or maybe it was charity. Either way, for the four years of my junior school career, we never won a single game. I'm not completely sure that we ever even scored a goal. We were staggeringly crap.

Being a collegially-minded sort, I contributed enthusiastically to this crapness. I would spend the whole match running up and down the pitch with great gusto; I had to keep moving to make sure that I was never within 20m of the ball. On those rare occasions when the ball was at my feet, I would panic and kick it blindly towards... well, towards whomever was closest. If it was someone from my side, so much the better; but I really wasn't fussed. I just wanted to get the thing as far from me as I could.

Sometimes the ball would travel in the intended direction. But not always.

At the same time, I was fascinated by those who displayed talent. Kids who could head the ball, for example, were an enigma to me. Why on Earth would they want to do that? I tried a couple of times, and ended up with a face full of football and a nosebleed. I suspect I got the details wrong.

I was quite good at diving, though; football's one redeeming feature was that it legitimised a small boy getting very muddy indeed. That was OK by me, and quite fun.

But in 1988, I hung up my football boots, and didn't play again until 2004. By this time, I was doing a fill-the-gaps job as a teacher, and was invitied to play in the Staff v Upper VI Leavers match.

I'm proud to say that being shit at football is like riding a bike: a skill that never diminishes. And headers still seem pointlessly dangerous.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 25 Nov 2009, 12:14, 5 replies)

Heading the ball
I understood the theory, i.e. use your forehead. However the practical application of the theory hurt like a bastard. I think I tried it twice (the second time just to confirm results).
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 25 Nov 2009, 12:26, closed)

Using the forehead wasn't any better than using the face.
The only difference was that the pain was in the upper vertebrae rather than the nose.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 25 Nov 2009, 12:28, closed)

As a kindred ball-in-the-face sufferer
I click.

And for the superb use of "staggeringly crap" as a description.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 25 Nov 2009, 13:20, closed)

Ahh yes,
These are the very same tactics that I would use when playing football. Well these and throwing myself feet first at an attacking players ankles...
( TheMattInAHat has a particular... odour..., Wed 25 Nov 2009, 14:36, closed)

Again, I've tried it once
I was around 10 or so.
Wet, leathery football with more in common to a medicine ball.
I have vague recollections of it going near the crossbar of the goal, and people shouting. Not sure if I was trying to get it AWAY from our goal, or into the opponents. The minutes after were a bit hazy...
(Kliper Filllets Getting noticed by twats on the internet since, Wed 25 Nov 2009, 14:52, closed)