this event happened more than 20 years ago, but it still makes me go red
i was 8 years old and it was the school christmas play. for some reason - which must have been other than to haunt me for the rest of my life, but i have no idea what it was - the school abandoned the usual nativity play in favour of some futuristic thing. i was one of 4 children who together formed "The Computer". we had neon orange cardboard tunics, made by our loving teacher, and underneath them we had to wear vests and black tights. anyone who remembers "wordy" from those bbc school programmes can get the look that we were going for.

the night before the performance, i remembered the black tights. our school uniform necessitated long white socks, so in despair at the lateness of the request, my mother dug out a pair of her old tights. the next day, i put them on, all looked well. time for the performance, we waited for the first act to be over. the second act, set on the spaceship, was due to start. the 4 of us climbed solemnly up the blocks and onto the stage. there was a gasp from the audience and then a massive roar of laughter. we were bemused but happy. our star quality had been recognised, and we hadn't even said a word.

star quality? brown-star quality more like. my mother told me later that she had given me a pair of tights with a hole in them because i said "tunic" so she assumed it would be longer than my arse. it wasn't. i had basically climbed up the blocks and flashed my arse at the entire school/parents in total blissful ignorance. apparently the mother next to her leaned over and said, "oof, wouldn't you just die if you were that child's mother?" to which my mother shamelessly replied, "god, i know..."

the easter afterwards we returned to religious plays. i was judas and my best mate was jesus. jesus was a big athletic girl for the age of 9, and her big horned feet pushed the blocks apart as she walked over them. i fell in the gap with a wail of despair and clutched at my saviour's robe to save myself. jesus promptly tumbled backwards and followed me down the crack of doom. the audience was treated to some rather unsaintly language before we were finally hauled out.

if i ever have kids - unlikely - they will never be allowed on any school stage, i don't think i could take the humiliation.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 21 Aug 2011, 18:27, Reply)