I may - MAY - have mentioned this once or twice already, but I was on The Weakest Link earlier this year
Which means I've appeared in front of an audience numbering in the low seven figures. I know, they're not actually there in the studio with you. But Anne Robinson is.

And Anne Robinson is fucking scary.

I flattered myself beforehand that I knew what she was going to say to me between rounds. Something along the lines of "So you do Ballroom dancing, you must be a gay" or "What the fuck have you got in your ears", or - worst case scenario - "I hear you do Ballet - can you show us a pirouette?". I should take a moment to thank the denizens of OffTopic for preparing me for this by calling me a massive bender every day for the previous year.

What you don't find out is that whenever they're not filming, La Robinson is not on-set. She asks the questions, takes the piss out of the contestants and then disappears between rounds. When you're shitting yourself about saying something stupid on national TV, and the ever-increasing possibility of walking off with a couple of grand, a gothic ginger dwarf can become quite the personification of all your worst fears.

I mostly got away with it. She took the piss out of my ears, I made my usual joke about them being used to distract from the horror show that is my face. She said "I assume you don't have a girlfriend?", I told her how long we'd been together in days, months and years. She asked what my girlfriend and I did - here comes the Ballroom question - to which I replied "How much detail do you want?".

Hahaha, thought I. Witty. Risque. Sharp.

She just fucking stared at me.

Until I replied "We do Ballroom dancing, Anne."

"Can you show us a bit?"

"I need a partner..." *offers hand*

...she lost interest. None of that bit made it to broadcast. Which is just as well, as I realised when retracting my hand that it existed in an almost entirely liquid state.

The other thing that didn't make it to broadcast were the tie-breakers that the other finalist and I got wrong. Level at 2 correct answers each after the regulation five questions, we then proceeded to get another two wrong apiece before I nailed my EIGHTH question. Suddenly Anne Robinson is as nice as pie, but we're whisked off backstage before I can say so much as thank you. Consequently, my answer to the question I get asked more than any other - "what's Anne Robinson really like?" is the same as it was before I went. I have no bloody idea.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 9:28, 9 replies)

Please insert Girder.
;)
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 23 Aug 2011, 9:30, closed)

A friend of mine answered the phones on that show with Anne Robinson and Alice Beer
She was making some noise, I dunno whispering or something, and Anne spun on her heel, fixed her with a glare and hissed: "If you don't shut up I'll cut your hands off!"

At least, that's the way she told it to me.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 9:49, closed)

I get all this
and I think Anne Robinson is actually quite clever, she has developed a unique TV personality which seems to have translated well around the world.

Having said this, for some reason - morbid curiosity perhaps - I would very much like to fuck her.
(username failed moderation, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 13:32, closed)

...in the eye socket
...having removed said eyeball with an antique pickled onion fork
( brown-wings Made with three kinds of butter, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 16:41, closed)

Perhaps a little freaky for me
but I'd want at least to see her naked first.
(username failed moderation, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 10:21, closed)

I reckon it'd be like seeing a naked, clean-shaved Gimli

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 10:58, closed)

Your imagination
is even more putrid than mine.
(username failed moderation, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 15:30, closed)

If it's putrid you're after
you should see my tube sock
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 24 Aug 2011, 16:06, closed)

tl:dr

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 13:47, closed)