I am utterly terrified of my own arse.
It's supernatural. It manages to do things that are not physically possible.

After a really good curry, too much coffee, too much of anything in fact, It manages to spraypaint the underside of the SEAT. HOW??

Seriously.. that feat requires a projectile trajectory of approx 120° Away from the direction shit SHOULD be travelling.

Every now and then I hear it rumbling, and I try to back away from it, but that bastard's attached. No matter how fast I run I can't get away from it.

I only leaned recently that running away from it was futile... but I sometimes forget while I'm drunk. .. sometimes when I wake up there are nasty patterns on the walls and floors. I can only assume that during the night and in blind drunken panic - my arse attacks while I'm at full terrified sprint.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 10 Apr 2008, 13:53, 4 replies)

Poop
I went for a poop a few days ago, and when I stood up there must have been a bit hanging out and it fell on the seat. There is not supposed to be poop on the seat!!!!!
(oeb, Thu 10 Apr 2008, 14:02, closed)

Hmm
Humpty has a point.

Occasionally I suffer from the odd bout of liquishit (normally a combination of red wine and very spicy food) and I've noticed this as well. I shit, it comes out like a pebble-dashing machine, and somehow ends up UNDER THE FUCKING TOILET SEAT!!!

This is not physically possible. But it happens.
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 10 Apr 2008, 14:49, closed)

Behold
the ricochet effect!

It hits the pan and spatters back
(Sir Tainley Barking Ezekiel 23:20, Thu 10 Apr 2008, 15:41, closed)

Having read your poo stories,
I'm afraid of your arse too. Please keep it on your side of the pond.

Thank you.
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Fri 11 Apr 2008, 2:32, closed)