toff popic
Bertmonkeysex *tip's hat* reminded me of this.

It’s a bit toff popic but here we go...
When I was a young blade, as much as I was a cheeky wee chap I was often none too clever at approaching girls. Unfortunately my best attempt at signalling my amorous intent was to stare at the object of my desire with the sort of thousand-yard stare psychiatric nurses dread. (I have since realised women don’t like this very much). So there we are down the favourite club, with my best mate, drinking beer and scanning the electric savannah – looking for the weak the young and the vulnerable.

And then I saw her.
Slender, beautiful, short blonde hair, high cheekbones flawless skin and perfect, perky little breasts bobbing around under a loose fitting shiny halter-top affair (late eighties). She also had the FINEST ASS I HAVE EVER SEEN. By now my eyes were swirling like that bloody snake in jungle book as she danced and laughed with her friends (mere fuzzy blobs in my peripheral vision). Smitten is not the word. The psychotic Bush Baby stare must have worked that night as lo and behold, the beautiful slender creature popped up beside me as if from nowhere (the shopkeeper in Mr Ben never looked anywhere near as good). With a lascivious look and sparkling blue eyes she chirped,
“So do you NEVER ask a girl to dance?”

Boing!
After an evening of snogging, groping, dancing, drinking then repeat, all too soon it was time to leave the club. By this time my confidence was growing as quickly as my pants seemed to be shrinking. I suggested her place; some coyish ‘no I can’t – really I can’t’ protests were quickly swept aside with my new found rakish charm. So we bundle out of a cab still a-gropin an' a-snoggin. Giggling as we get to her front door.

"SHHHH!" She tells me.

Oh, righto! I think, flatmate(s) asleep probably. The house is quiet and in darkness. We head straight to the bedroom, have a long deep kiss (I can make out little in the gloom) then she pops the bedside lamp on.

Fuck. Me.
Walls plastered with pictures of ponies, (apparently horse riding was responsible for the great ass) pictures of boy bands unknown, more ponies, but the clincher – a single bed covered in teddies, pandas, fluffy fucking camels you name it.

"Erm. How old did you say you were?"

“17” she assures me, pawing at my jeans.

At this time I was only 18 or 19 myself so thought, fair enough. It is only now with the benefit of years I regret not asking her to pop the school uniform on that was undoubtedly still in the wardrobe. So we go at it with the vigour gifted only to the young. Then sleep. Very early in the morning we wake and enjoy another blissful shag in a bed too small for two. Breathless, tired and still fuzzy from the previous night’s excesses I start to drift off. Suddenly I was awoken with a deep dig in the ribs.
“Quick! Hide! Get under the duvet" she hissed.
Before I could even ask I hear the bedroom door opening. A voice deeper than Bluto with laryngitis boomed,

“Mornin'! I’m going for the papers and some rolls, you want anything?”

FUCK. FUCK. FUCK! Where are my clothes? Can he see my shoes lying on the floor? Does he have a gun? Then as if it could get no worse comes the fateful line…

“Who’s that?”

So there I am cowering under the duvet, in a single bed with some 17 - year olds father enquiring whom I might be. Cool as a frozen cucumber my hot, naked little minx replied,

“Tracy”

“Morning Tracy, you want anything from the shops love?”

(I may have let out a small whimper at this point)

“She’s still asleep Dad – hammered last night."

“Fair enough” and with that Glasgow’s answer to Barry White lumbered off.
Once I got my heart rate back down to mere humming bird levels, frantically I start looking for my clothes.

“What’s the rush – he’ll be at least half an hour?”

She was up for it again! I wish I could tell you my dear B3tards that I was cool and suave enough to attempt another but I think I was dressed and on the street within 60 seconds.

!
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 14:43, 11 replies)

My god, I thought you'd forgotten me!
Nah, only joking. Heart stopping moment, that.
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Tue 10 Jun 2008, 14:48, closed)

*doffs hat in reciprocation*
I've never been in that situation though. Thinking about it, I seem to only attact women whose fathers have passed away or left them at an early age.

Christ, what the hell does that say about me?!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 14:50, closed)

What?
Staring intensely DOESN'T work? Suddenly it all makes sense :P
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 14:53, closed)

what do you mean staring doesnt work?
oh wait, that ciould explain a lot
(pogo_it, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 16:02, closed)

Sounds a lot like
Trainspotting
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 16:13, closed)

@Mrs fag hag
yeah i did consider that many years later when i saw trainspotting* particularly particularly the line

"cut you balls off and flush them down the fucking toilet"

*minor claim to fame - my kid sister worked in the night club (Volcano) they filmed trainspotting in Partick.
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 16:19, closed)

That was a great story
I'm just surprised that you first thought flatmates rather than parents given her/your age. And you couldn't even give her another go that morning....tut tut.
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Tue 10 Jun 2008, 16:23, closed)

I can beat that
I once woke up in some kind of women-only hostel and actually had to hide under the bed whilst the room was inspected...
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 16:29, closed)

@flirting with badgers
well the only reason i thought 'flatmates' was because i had already explained to young vixen we couldn't go to mine was i was actually in halls with about 8 flatmates in dundee (1st year) and was only back down in glasgow for the weekend - staying at my mums - so you would have thought she would have said - well funny you should say that!

and i did give have another go AGAIN in the morning - just not after her bloody father had been in the room =(
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 16:51, closed)

@ Monty Boyce
crept out of nurses residences at 6 am - check

walked along corridor of girls only halls at 4am stark bollock naked (as they were identical to the male halls i was in and i was half asleep after banging first year medical student) only to meet screaming strange female in loos - check

oh there's many more shameful tales -might be a QOTW topic
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 16:55, closed)

Ha reminds me of when I was 16
pulled a friend of a friend, brought him back to mine and he was caught trying to sneak out the window by my mum in the morning. Not sure why he didn't go for the door instead really.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 17:39, closed)