In September
My employer will be giving me an apprentice to train for a year. Therefore I will be in charge of staff for the first time in my life. Any tips?
(MadBouncyDog Barking at the moon since, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 20:38, 13 replies)

Beat him/her
mercilessly. You have to with apprentices, it's the law.
( His Popiness the Hole Invaded Poland on, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 21:58, closed)

Everytime you see him shout "You're fired!" in a shit cockney accent
then laugh at your own joke for the next minute.

Repeat for 5 years.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 22:21, closed)

No matter how wild and fanciful the lies you tell him/her, keep a straight face. You'll be amazed at the ridiculous things they will believe......
(Colonel Blink is now officially a pretentious prick, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 22:55, closed)

For example
Sending him/her for some tartan or striped paint.
(One_Winged_Angel Ich Dien, Sat 10 Jul 2010, 0:15, closed)

if you're a guy and the apprentice be a girl
...just the tip. remember to say...just the tip...
(goorf, Sat 10 Jul 2010, 4:00, closed)

DO NOT!
For the sake of all apprentices out there do not send him/her for stupid things. Left handed hammers, striped paint, skyhooks or whatever else you think might be funny. These people look up to you and trust you and by targeting them for your self amusement you're showing them how miserable you are.
Treat apprentices like your own children. In the end they will learn faster, work harder, and respect you more. This will make you look even better to your employer because more will be getting done under your watch.
(SkoaL, Sat 10 Jul 2010, 8:05, closed)

Not wanting to be the boring fart here
but instruct them in the correct way of doing things, even if you've worked out shortcuts that make the whole process take half the time.

Point out the possible shortcuts, by all means, but show them the correct way of doing it first.

The best bosses I ever had did that with me. The worst just showed me the half arsed method, which led to lots of trouble on my part when something didn't follow routine and I was stuck not knowing what the hell I was doing as I'd never been instructed in the proper way first...
(Stuffed Chimp, Sat 10 Jul 2010, 11:19, closed)

Stuffed Chimp - Thanks for that. Good advice. It's a technical theatre, rigging lighting and sound course. There are many many hacks and shortcuts I use everyday. Nice to be reminded that there's a 'proper' way to do things and it's important to do that first.
(MadBouncyDog Barking at the moon since, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 16:06, closed)

Almost but not quite...
...do not whatever you do treat them like your own children as this will inevitably end with slamming doors, shouts of "I hate you" and "Why can't you be more like Steve's parents, they're really cool".
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Mon 12 Jul 2010, 8:25, closed)

My kid's friends think I am 'Steve's parents. I keep my own kids locked in the shed overnight and at weekends.
(MadBouncyDog Barking at the moon since, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 16:07, closed)

Tutor them in the ways of righteousness
Obviously
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Sun 11 Jul 2010, 23:04, closed)

Send him out to shop to buy a couple of sky hooks...
...A bucket of dial tone, a long weight and a left handed screwdriver.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 12:00, closed)

Thank you
honestly surprised by the good advice here. Thank you all.
(MadBouncyDog Barking at the moon since, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 16:09, closed)