Estate Agents are going to get a lot of stick this week
So before it becomes tiresome, Scaryduck's entertaining exchange of letters has reminded me of the last time I moved house. The old place wasn't even rented from one of the bigger and notoriously cunty agencies, but they tried it on all the same when it came to returning the deposit. If I may crave your indulgence, I'm quite proud of the angry email I concocted, so I'd like to share it with y'all...

In which CROW gets all 'Honda Accord' on his old estate agents
October. CROW checks his bank statement online to find a large sum of money has been transferred electronically to his account. It has the Estate Agent's name attached to it, but is somewhat smaller than the total deposit he and his housemates had originally paid two years ago. Trying to be as non-confrontational as possible, he sends the following.
Dear Arsehole-Estate-Agent, (name changed to protect the not-so-innocent)
I've received a payment from Arsehole Estates for £2640 - I presume this is the returned deposit?

Best regards, Crow

Later that afternoon, AEA replies...
Yes indeed,
Arsehole-Estate-Agent

CROW tries to give them the benefit of the doubt - though he suspects otherwise, perhaps this is no more than a simple mistake.
Ok, many thanks for that. However, according to the paperwork, the total deposit should be £3000.
Crow

AEA replies soon afterwards
Absolutely right Crow but we had to get the place cleaned, which cost £360. It took 4 of them 6 hours, including cleaning the carpets. I can send you a copy of the invoice if you'd like.

CROW is, to say the least, not impressed, having spent all of the previous weekend with his housemates cleaning the place. CROW leaves his computer and goes for a walk to calm down. He knocks on the door of a friend's office and they go for a cup of tea. Calmed, but still sufficiently indignant, CROW pens the following reply.
Dear Arsehole-Estate-Agent,

Whilst I appreciate the need for the property to be in a suitably clean state for incoming tenants, I do not agree that it is our responsibility to pay for it be cleaned professionally. We were only contractually obliged to clean the property to the extent that it was left in the same state as we found it. When we first moved into , the condition in which it had been left by the previous tenants was entirely unacceptable and it was only after some weeks that Arsehole Estates arranged for the property to be cleaned. At the end of our own tenure, we made sure to clean the property to the best extent we could, and I would argue that, some standard wear and tear notwithstanding, it was left in as good a state as, if not better than, that in which we found it.

Furthermore, you have deducted the sum of £360 from our deposit without any prior notice. Proposed deductions should be identified to all parties involved before they are effected.

Whilst the following are perhaps less relevant to the matter, I feel this is a pertinent time to raise them. I would remind you that, during the course of our tenancy, part of the kitchen ceiling collapsed and had to be replaced, due to a problem with the insulation of the upstairs bathroom. It took several months for Arsehole Estates to arrange for this be repaired, during which time we were unable to make use of the upstairs bathroom and had to use the kitchen without any guarantee that the remainder of the ceiling was secure. Following the repair, there was some concern when another prominent damp patch appeared on the new kitchen ceiling. Later, water from the bath/shower was observed to leak through this damp patch into the kitchen. Whilst this, fortunately, did not culminate in a repeat collapse, the response from Arsehole Estates was again slow, and we were again forced to annexe the upstairs bathroom for several weeks.

In February, it was bought to your attention that the main heating element in the oven had failed. Obviously, this severely restricted our ability to cook within the property and, despite repeated emails and telephone calls to your office on Rectum Street, the problem was not fixed until the end of June. A problem with the back gate was also raised around the same time, and it was again some time before a repair was carried out, preventing a potential safety hazard to anybody requiring access to the garden or shed during this time.

Such incidents put us in a very strong position to demand at least a partial refund of the rent we paid for certain months. The agreed rent was for a house with 5 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms, with a fully fitted kitchen. For several months over the last two years, we found ourselves with only one safe bathroom and only a partially functional kitchen, which itself presented a possible safety risk before the ceiling was repaired. In spite of this, we waited patiently for the problems to be rectified, making no such demands, let alone withholding any rent. It would be greatly appreciated if you were to show us a similar courtesy with respect to our deposit.

Yours sincerely,
Crow

An hour later, CROW receives a reply. Simply reads:
Crow,
I think your comments are fair. We will reimburse the rest tomorrow.
AEA.

Smugly, CROW parallel-parks his Honda Accord whilst casually lighting a cigar before inviting some passing supermodels to have sex with him on the back seat.
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 27 May 2010, 14:14, 5 replies)

I didn't read any of that.

( Dave Trouser ; the people's choice - 75% agree, Thu 27 May 2010, 14:46, closed)

Good for you.

(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 27 May 2010, 14:55, closed)

Very amusing!

(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Thu 27 May 2010, 16:17, closed)

Nicely done
(Obi wanker nobi Its not a bug, its an unexpected feature, Thu 27 May 2010, 14:57, closed)

Well
Played Sir - have a *click*
(uk_viper stopped lurking on, Thu 27 May 2010, 16:06, closed)