My one and only time outdoors...
I'll apologise now, as this is a long one...

I used to have this amazing ability when I went out and got pissed. I'd magically turn into someone who could pull pretty much every time. I have no idea how this happened, as in everyday life I'm homely and a bit of a geek, but the magical addition of alcohol turned me into some kind of a James Bond with the ladies.

The only problem was that I was always so drunk that I couldn't remember how the fuck I'd managed to co-erce these lucky ladies into doing the dirty with me.

There's one night that I do remember, at least partly. My bandmate and I had gone out to Corporation in Sheffield on the pull; 50p for a vodka and iron brew, and decent rock/indie/electro music. Added to this, there were usually a lot of skimpily-clad girlies there, and my success rate was fantastic. So, off we went, and proceeded to pour many, many drinks down our necks.

We got talking to two girls, Rhiannon and Kate. As you do, we paired off, James with Rhiannon, and me with Kate. After shooting the shit for a while, things got interesting; kissing, fondling, etc. Unfortunately, the club decided it was closing time soon after, so we were cast out with our respective ladies into the streets.

We carried on chatting, and my young lady asked if I'd like to take her home. I demurred; I didn't tend to take my conquests back to my house, partially because it was, as often as not, a shit tip and partially because I didn't want them to stalk me after I inevitably lost interest. She invited me back to hers, but she lived in Hathersage, which was a good way out - and I had to work the next day.

This is where I amaze myself. I somehow managed to say - without sounding like a sex-pest - 'have you ever... you know... done it outside?' Kate got the hint, replied that she hadn't but would like to try it, and we disappeared up an alleyway. Hooray!

The sex wasn't great; it was uncomfortable standing up in this alleyway, and the drink wasn't helping my performance at this stage. However, I manfully attempted it. We were disturbed at one point by a car driving past and people shouting 'wa-hey!' out of the window, but this didn't put us off too much... I recall that we ended that particular part of the evening with her having scooped her tits out of her top whilst I tried to massage my semi-erect member into orgasm onto them.

We decided to give up at this point, and walked away from the alley. Kate spoke to Rhiannon on her mobile, and we arranged to all meet up outside the fire station round the corner. We got there first, and one thing led to another; before I knew it, I was on my back IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PAVEMENT, all rubbered up whilst Kate lowered herself onto (a much stiffer than the first time) me. Unfortunately, we were just getting into it - it must have been the excitement of literally doing it in the middle of the street - when Rhiannon and James came around the corner and caught us in the act. A bit embarrassing, but never mind. We de-coupled, and had a chat about what we were going to do next.

I decided that I was enjoying myself, and that work would take care of itself (I was a shift manager, and it certainly would not have done - but a combintation of sex and booze had rendered me a devil-may-care idiot at this point), and that yes, I think I would like to go back to Hathersage with them! James had already shot his wad with Rhiannon, I discovered later, and decided to leave us to it.

We flagged down a taxi and the three of us piled in - me, Rhiannon and Kate. We were talking on the way, and I noticed that Rhiannon had blood on her knees; I asked her if she was ok and she told me that James had done her from behind in the skatepark, and taken the skin off. Nice! We carried on home, dropped Rhiannon off, and then went into Kate's.

We then had some pretty filthy sex - unfortunately none of it penetrative, as I'd used my last two jubber rays in my al-fresco pursuits. A bit of a kip, and then awoke in the morning in a strange house, with a strange girl, and had to talk to her even stranger mother. I walked to their place of work with them, and then left them to find the station so I could get a train back to Sheffield. I had to get my brother to bring my uniform to work that day so I could just meet him there. Sadly, it didn't cover the enormous hickey I had on my neck.

Of course, I never got back in touch with Kate. Shame really, she seemed like a nice girl, and was going to a university not too far away. But I was a bit of a cunt back then with the ladies.

As an epilogue, I spoke to James about the evening later on. He ribbed me about having intercourse on the pavement, I ribbed him about the disreputable state of Rhiannon's knees. He said he was a bit worried that he might have caught something from her as his cock hurt a bit, so I told him that if he'd said, he could have had one of my johnnies. Oh no, he says - I had a johnny, I just don't like using them. Again, classy.

That was probably the most exciting and yet degrading experience of my life so far. Apologies for length, but you're getting all that she missed out on.
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 16:44, 1 reply)

Aaaahhhh Corp, many a times I've managed to at least pull a lady there and not remember a thing
But doing it near corp.... that's still pretty wrong, the place is a shit tip :D
( epiphany coming live from sweden, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 17:08, closed)