Animals and wanking
A few years ago I was minding my own business on a very long train journey. I had some work to do with me, so I had a window seat at a table.
A strange looking lady boarded the train, grumpily making her way down the aisle - swearing at, and bumping into every available stranger with an armful of bags. Of course, she sat down next to me.
I stared at my work, using every ounce of my concentration to pretend not to notice her. She tapped me on the shoulder, and began one of the strangest conversations I have ever, ever had in my life:
Her: "Do you like pets?"
Me: "Er, yeah they're alright I 'spose. I had a hamster once. It died.
Her: "Oh, hamsters. I know them, they're internal."
I can only assume she meant nocturnal. Chatter went on for some time, she appeared to be completely lucid when talking about animals. If conversation strayed, she was completely barkiing. My favorite example of this was:
Her: "I went to see my son last week, I like his dog but he beats it with his belt so I gave it some of my sleeping pills to make it feel better but my doctor said not to do that again otherwise he would strike me off. My careworker doesn't know I've gone out shopping today."
I was literally trapped against the window at this point, and not wishing to provoke her I decided to keep her talking about the animals, dogs, horses, chinchillas, cats, ferrets, rabbits, fish... anything I mentioned she seemed to have been an owner/keeper of at some point. I wanted to find an animal she hadn't ever owned, and this happened:
Me: "My friend had an african grey parrot once, it said rude things."
Her: "oh yes, yes, they're very clever. Mine said allsorts."
Me: "Don't they live for a long time, do you still have it?"
Her: "Oh, no, I've been banned from keeping animals for ten years. Didn't you see it on the news?"
And then I twigged, I had seen it on the news a few months previously, my new friend was this lady:
news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/leicestershire/4052781.stm

Two weeks after this, I was upgraded on a flight to America. Again, a window seat. I fell asleep feeling smug about all the leg room, only to wake up sitting next to a very twitchy, spotty 15 year old lad. I slowly came to the realisation that he was having a jolly little wank under his blanket. I was too mortified to say anything, for an entire 45 minutes. At which point, he stopped twitching, slumped down in his chair, and asked to borrow my pen. I told him I'd rather he didn't touch my belongings, until he'd gone to the toilets and washed his hands.

Edit: I must have met her escaping. Wonder what was in the bags? news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/leicestershire/5103072.stm
(blubear, Wed 4 Jun 2008, 22:25, 2 replies)

A jolly click!
That story was great, but the way you kept the wanking til the end: brilliant!

Cheers!

Citadel
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Wed 4 Jun 2008, 22:40, closed)

Wanker
I would have said in my loudest voice "Would you please refrain from masturbating on a plane, in full view of all these people, not least of all me? And could the stewardess please move this filthy little bastard?". The last thing I would have done was sit there for 45 minutes, till he got to the vinegar strokes.
( Duke Of Belmsford has got 99 records, but Jay-Z ain't one, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 9:06, closed)