Auto-fellatio
Just a few hours more and I would've been kicking myself for not adding this one. I had a lively conversation earlier about this topic and it kind of jogged my memory. (Un)fortunately this is not a story about my own unit, and fortunately I have had no physical contact with it. My only claim to fame involves being in the same room, which amounted to more than I thought.

It's a few years back, must've been 2003--the good old days for me. I'm still living in Canada, working as a security guard because hey a BA in sociology isn't worth much.

My sister was dating one of the bigger trainwrecks of her adult life, a friendly, charismatic IT-employed guy named Dustin. Dustin worked for a porn company, setting firewalls so only American web surfers could visit the site (so local stars don't get spotted by fans I guess). It was a good business and his office had a jacuzzi. Also, he could put his own penis in his mouth.

Now, there are two ways of doing this:
1) be really well hung, eg) Ron Jeremy
2) have a really flexible spine, eg) Dustin
Of course it was a big curiosity with all our friends. All the questions were asked--and yes, in general, if you could, you most certainly would. He said he preferred it to regular masturbation, because there's no cleanup after. I'll wait for you to digest that before we go on.

Okay, back? And he wasn't shy about his talent either. Once at our local dive bar he followed two female friends into the washroom, pushed one of them into the stall, jumped in after her and locked the door, and began demonstrating. The other girl hearing her screams thought she was being raped and tried kicking down the door.

I was never around due to the security guard job. Every week, Friday and Saturday, 6pm to 3am. One night, there was a party that I knew would go late, so on the way home I made the impulsive choice to stop by. Just for the hell of it I kept my security guard uniform on. Maybe not the best choice considering this house was filled with the scummiest, most untrustworthy crust and gutter punks you could imagine, but they liked me.

I found Dustin down in this small basement room with a bunch of other people, including Jebus, one of my best friends at the time. Suddenly someone broke out the cocaine and everyone snorted up except me and Jebus. We got to talking about Dustin's talent, and everyone wanted a demonstration. He had stage fright (coupled with the effects of the drug), and refused to perform in front of all of us.

It was agreed upon he would take three volunteers into another room to demonstrate, and it was okay that one had a video camera. I opted to go along, still not really expecting him to do it.

He was just unable to get an erection, but by stretching it with his fingers he could get the tip into his mouth. I looked over just in time to see what looked like a strip of raw bacon stretching from his fly up to his mouth, as he was bent over like some kind of hunchback.

"Holy fuck!" I believe I exclaimed, before smashing my head through the nearest available drywall in an attempt to induce amnesia.

For the next few months, random acquaintances would come up to me and say "Hey Race, I saw that video from the party. It was hilarious when you smashed your head through the wall?"

"Well, what about Dustin auto-fellating himself?" I'd ask.

"Aw, that's typical Dustin," came the inevitable reply. "But you put your head through a wall!"

I never understood that reaction. I wonder if the video is still around somewhere, in some junkie's closet or a giant repo warehouse.

Anyway, he didn't last long with my sister. Probably something to do with the drug-induced impotence. Or it could be when his mind started to go, and tried to become a Buddhist monk, and was later telling people he was a time-travelling Nazi visiting from 1930s Germany.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Wed 18 Mar 2009, 16:22, 2 replies)

"I'll wait for you to digest that before we go on"
Fnarfnar!!!
(aroe_m0rre, Wed 18 Mar 2009, 16:40, closed)

"time-travelling Nazi"
Gets a click from me, every time.
( Cawl, Wed 18 Mar 2009, 17:01, closed)