Writing An Assembly
Last year I wrote and performed an assembly in front of the whole sixth form and their respective form tutors. It ended up as a kind of humorous ramble involving King Kong, students, vampires and crap poetry. It went down very well. So well in fact that I was invited to write an assembly the next year as well. Unfortunately this assembly was vetoed by my form tutor and head of sixth form respectively. A shame really because I get praised for ti by anyone that reads it.

It was banned for not one but four reasons:-
1) Encouraging the bullying of year 8's ( the youngest in the school)
2) Mocking the headmaster.
3) Copious swearing (I don't think the assembly would work without it mind you)
4) Questioning the school rules.

Have a read of it below - there was no topic so I focused on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

"...’Sup. Any normal assembly uses all sorts of speakers and projections and music, possibly live, to create some kind of excitement in your lives. It normally backfires and you find yourself reading ’wanker’ on the chair in front of you, which is normally written in tippex or sometimes carved out with a compass. This is not going to be one of those assemblies. This assembly should be rather entertaining, I have a lot to live up to since last year when I, to use a phrase, absolutely nailed it. Obviously only half of you watched that assembly so c’est la vie, as B*Witched once said.

So anyway yer, we don’t actually have a topic this year and I have free reign to write whatever I want really. Last year it was loosely based on the environment and this year, I don’t want to stray too far from that topic, and have decided that I want to talk to you about the teenage mutant ninja turtles. Maybe. We’ll see how we go. But first, why on earth would you bring tippex or a compass to assembly? It has to be the lowest, most rubbish form of vandalism around. Like taking that rubber edge off the tables in year 8. Or writing Hitler in a history textbook where you are meant to write your name. Returned – dead. Oh how we laughed.

Anyway yer, on with the assembly, umm…so yeah. We have an acoustic version of something ready for your perusal later. That should be interesting. Matt Macdiarmid on the guitar. Top bloke. A Christian but still, a top bloke. By the way the headmaster, Mr Carter, he’s a Methodist. Not sure if he’s ever mentioned it…and that links me really well to the teenage mutant ninja turtles who belong to the religious sect of ’kickin’ some serious ass’ as Americans would put it.

But I was thinking about this assembly, and I thought how was the teenage mutant ninja turtles or ’hero’ turtles as they are sometimes called conceived? How was it pitched to the board members of some huge TV company?

’Welcome. I believe you have a pitch for us.’
’Umm…yes.’
’Well go on then. What’s it called?’
’Well it doesn’t have a name as such yet…I have a working title.’
’Okay well, what’s it about? In 5 minutes preferably, because we are kind of busy.’
’Yeah sure…okay well basically there’s some form of umm reptiles. Like a turtle or tortoise or terrapins.’
’Excellent. Kids love reptiles.’
’Do they? Yeah but not tortoises because they are kind of slow, and umm well these guys they’re kind of teenagers. So they’re quite cool…’
’Interesting, interesting’
’Yeah and they can fight crime.’
’They can fight crime?’
’Uh-huh. Well, they’re ninjas…’
’Ninjas?’
’Umm well yeah basically. Well they’re only ninjas because they are like well, mutant reptiles. Or terrapins or turtles or whatever.’
’So just to clarify, a reptile of some sort, which fights crime because it is a mutant and a ninja?’
’Yeah. And they’re also teenagers because teenagers are more fit than old people generally. Although these guys eat pizza so-’
’Pizza?’
’Umm well yeah sort of. I guess…well they’re American aren’t they?’
’Oh right! American reptiles. Hence the pizza.’
’Yup.’
’Sorry, are we to assume these reptiles live in an apartment of some sort?’
’Umm well no, not really. But they live in Manhattan. In the umm sewers. Yeah anyway…’
’Sorry…and they’re life size?’
’Yeah but they still live in the sewers. Because well they sort of have to’
’Do they? Why?
’A mutant reptile living in an apartment? Dream on.’
’Uh…okay then, well then, how many are there of these mutant ninja reptiles?’
’Four. And they are all named after classic artists. Because of the whole artist-ninja link. Anyway yeah, the first is called Raphael, and he’s the red one.’
’Red one?’
’Yeah, oh I forgot, yeah they all have masks to stop them being identified by the police or criminals or whatever.’
’Ok’
’Yup and they all have separate weapons too. Raphael, red, with some daggers. We got Leonardo, blue, he’s like the leader with this big sword. Michelangelo who’s orange and is really funny, and ah he makes me laugh thinking about him. He’s got nunchucks. And then Donatello who is purple and kind of has a stick. I ran out of ideas.’
’So who do they fight?’
’Well this is the genius part. Their many guy is this huge dude with loads of armour who is stupidly hard to kill. And he’s called Shredder and would be in every episode. He also has this endless supply of foot soldiers who are a little useless and die every episode.’
’And what are they called?’
’Footsoldiers.’
’Well. If that’s all…’
’No wait, I forgot to say how the reptiles are trained! There’s this mutant rat. Who’s really old. And has a purple gown. And is amazing. And he’s called Splinter.’
’Wait hang on….all these creatures talk?’
’Yup. Mutants.’
’Ok well, this idea has some potential, what was your working title for it?’
’Well I’m kind of aiming at the 5-9 age group. So I was thinking….Fuck ’Em Up Terrapins’

…and that was the first meeting of what eventually became Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Anyway I got to thinking about what makes them so cool. And I decided it wasn’t just the fighting and the mindless pissing about they got up to. But it was also the freedom they had. And I looked up ’free’ in the dictionary and it was defined as ’free from confinement, not under compulsion or restraint.’ So why do we have to be in school in the morning when we have a free for the first two periods? Well the teachers will tell you it’s because they are not free at all but actually study periods. This is a lie. If they were study periods it would stay ’study’ and not ’free’ on those timetables you get handed out at the beginning of the year. Game. Set. Match. Me.

But I’m just rambling. I think we are also told to stay in the school for those periods because, well, it makes you feel superior when you are wandering around the school looking for a spare computer room when everyone else is in lessons. And it was on one of these occasions where the bell went, and I had left the common room to go and check if any of the computer rooms were now free for the next period and a year 8 walked towards me. And I didn’t walk round him. I kind of walked into him, and barged him out the way. And it made me feel good. Kind of a rites of passage. People did it to us when we were in year 8, and he’ll do it to others when he’s in our year. And I turned to look at him after this and he kind of, gave me a weak smile. And that really touched me. Because it was then that I realised, I hadn’t quite hit him hard enough. So I punched him in the face. And roundhouse kicked him to the floor. In a move that the Turtles would have been proud of. Kawabunga.

And that brings me nicely to Matt Macdiarmid on the guitar…"

They asked me to rewrite it. I declined and a yawn fest of an assembly followed. That is the story of how I quit the assembly.


Sorry for length, but it had to be 10 minutes long.
(Foz, Thu 22 May 2008, 23:38, 5 replies)

Yep
Figures...
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Fri 23 May 2008, 9:26, closed)

for someone so young
you are immensely irritating.

You have a very bright future in front of you.
(frankspencer, Fri 23 May 2008, 14:43, closed)

I see
I'm just reading the replies to get a quicker gist of what happened.


I still don't know.
(Oben, Fri 23 May 2008, 15:53, closed)

Pedantry Alert!
It's Cowabunga. Anyone who knows anything about TMNT will tell you that.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 23 May 2008, 16:20, closed)

Well spellcheck wasn't on
And nobody would see how it was spelt as I said it. But good point.

And I am glad I have a bright future ahead of me...it's a bit dull currently.
(Foz, Sat 24 May 2008, 10:42, closed)