I should have been fired (or at least disciplined)
5 years ago I had a boring admin job whose only redeeming feature was that I worked on a team with 3 lovely young ladies. Abbie sat to my left; she was 21, slim, blond, attractive but a total space cadet and jittery with it. Very jittery, if somebody dropped a file loudly she would flinch noticeably.

Whenever I made the coffee she would always remind me that she only took half a teaspoonful of coffee, what she called “granny coffee” as it was so weak. This one time I accidentally used a whole spoonful so I put more milk in to hide the stronger colour and taste. Abbie didn’t notice.

Now I’m not a bad person, and I liked Abbie, but the mischief switch in my head went and the challenge was on to see how strong I could make her coffee before she noticed. Obviously I had to start low and increase the dosage each time.

A few days later a manager named John caught me in the kitchen counting out 4 spoonfuls of coffee into Abbie’s cup. “What are you doing?” he asked. I didn’t know he was stood behind me so I was a bit flustered and just fessed up, “I’m seeing how much I can drug Abbie with coffee, you see…if you use more milk it masks the colour and taste…” I trailed off nervously.

The manager took a step closer, looked at the cup, looked at me again and said without changing facial expression, “Well put some more in then”. Well thank fuck for the Y Chromosome! If it had been a female manager I would have been toast.

It had to stop a few days later, I was up to 5 spoonfuls which to put in context is a 1000% increase in dosage. Abbie was noticeably twitchier. I got a phone call that was for her, I turned to my left and said that I was putting a call through which she duly acknowledged, when she picked up I said in the killer from ‘Scream’ voice “HELLO ABBIE, DO YOU LIKE SCARY MOVIES!?”….

She screamed. Loudly. Then cried. A lot.

The female power-dressing megalomaniac office manger fixed me with a cold stare. Nothing was said but the experiment was over. I was super nice to Abbie after that and reduced her coffee intake back to normal “Granny” strength. I’m sure drugging colleagues with coffee is a sackable offence, it should be.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 24 Feb 2006, 11:42, Reply)