b3ta.com qotw
You are not logged in. Login or Signup
Home » Question of the Week » School Days » Post 356630 | Search
This is a question School Days

"The best years of our lives," somebody lied. Tell us the funniest thing that ever happened at school.

(, Thu 29 Jan 2009, 12:19)
Pages: Latest, 25, 24, 23, 22, 21, ... 1

« Go Back

Freddy Krueger Poo Fear
This is taken from some e-mail correspondence concerning embarassing shit stories. I know all of you here at b3ta love shit, and it just so happens that it happened while I was at school.

I was five years old and in the first year of proper school. Nursery was filled with turd stories, but this was when I was beginning to be a real boy.

The night before the day in question, I had foolishly sat down and watched Nightmare on Elm Street. This was not wise for a sensitive five-year old. The following day I was tormented by visions of murderers with pizza over their faces and really long nails.

Then, about ten-thirty am (I remember it so well), I felt the need for a shit. However, I could obviously not go to the toilet, because OBVIOUSLY Freddy Krueger was in the adjacent cubicle, waiting for my child's arse to be displayed before murdering me on the job. (I am in no way insinuating that Krueger is a paedophile.)

There was one option - to shit myself. I vividly remember gurning and straining the turd out and rising a good two inches off my seat because of it.

(Aside - I am very short sighted, but this was not found out until I was six. As such, everything my five year old mind remembers is a shambling mess of blurry colours. I am trying to remember the reactions of the teachers of fellow pupils, but alas, I could not see them.)

So then, there I was, cack in pants, happily continuing my work. I remember the teacher coming over to me, about an hour after the ejection of faeces and asking 'Robert, do you need to go to the toilet?'. I also remember my chiming reply: 'No thank you miss!'

I also remember one of the other boys, Christopher, who was sat next to me and believed he was confiding in me about the terrible smell somewhere in the classroom. He was all like 'That smells been following us around. Who do you think did it?'

I feigned ignorance.

Anyway, home-time came. That makes it a stunning four and a half hours sat with caked-on shit in my pants. As I was walking home, holding my mother's hand, she said to me 'Have you stepped in dog poo, love?'


'Are you sure? It smells terrible here.'

'No, I haven't, mam.'

'Are you positive?'

'Yes. I've shit myself.'

I remember saying that last sentence with a fair amount of glee.

I also remember my mother running home in order to prise the shitty kecks off me.

I don't remember much after that, apart from my father coming home from work, and me running over to him completely nude and shouting 'I SHIT MYSELF IN SCHOOL TODAY'. All the while, my mother was at the bathroom sink, chipping at the now solid mass of child-excrement.

Needless to say, the pants went in the bin.
(, Thu 29 Jan 2009, 20:41, 6 replies)
I have clicked
because poo stories are always funny
(, Thu 29 Jan 2009, 21:26, closed)
Poo stories are funny, one of my recently acquired twin boys had a similar experience a few months back.

(, Thu 29 Jan 2009, 21:44, closed)
Oh, the glee of youth!
What would we be like if we were still like this? Imagine the job interview, "what is your proudest achievement?" "I SHIT MYSELF AT SCHOOL WHEN I WAS FIVE".

Obviously you wouldn't get the job, as any fule kno the past participle of shit is shat.

Tsk, schools today, they don't teach anything.
(, Thu 29 Jan 2009, 22:07, closed)
Thank you!
for my first good laugh of the day! Well done.
(, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 13:09, closed)
but krugger was actualy a nonce, thats why the people killed him.

the more you know!
(, Wed 4 Feb 2009, 1:47, closed)
he was really a nonce?
perhaps my infant brain had picked up on the nature of freddy's paedophilia during the previous night's viewing of Nightmare on Elm Street.

I am so glad I would be too old for a nonce to bum now - otherwise I would never go to the toilet again.

Thanks for the clicks everyone :D
(, Thu 5 Feb 2009, 2:21, closed)

« Go Back

Pages: Latest, 25, 24, 23, 22, 21, ... 1