Been wondering if I should post
As it's not too long since I finished school, and at least one person who went there with me reads B3ta (and knows who I am - hi Alex), but then I decided that I don't actually care.



Maths teacher for the first half of year 12. Went on leave for "personal reasons". Turned out he was thrown in prison for a year for sex offences.

Year 11. Some of the girls decided to make a semi-porn site, showing pictures of their 15 year old tits. It was called, as I recall, "www.GiveYourselfATreat.tk".

The guy who got caught laughing at child porn on his phone. He was actually caught when he showed it to one of the science teachers. The teacher said "Yeah... I'm going to have to report you for that".

We too had a phantom shitter - this seems to be a common theme around here. Never caught, despite many attempts.

We used to have naughty people sent in to our 6th for biology lessons. If we were dissecting, the challenge was to see how many bits of animal we could coat them with. Teacher never "saw" any of this. He also had an occasional lisp, so the game "who can mock him the most for it" came about. This consisted of picking up on the lisped word and asking him to repeat it. To be fair he took it quite well, and we did pay attention.

Another maths teacher, dubbed "The Badger-pigeon" because of his Alistair Darling eyebrows and habit of bobbing his head as he walked. He also had the most nasal voice known to man.

The year 10 maths flashing competition. Said Badger-pigeon would often leave the room for long periods. Several of the more attractive girls would then have flashing and lesbianism competitions (licking nipples etc). This stopped when he came back in early one day.

The mad science teachers. First, Mr Birmingham (not his name, but anyone who knew him knows who I mean). He once decided to show a class how dangerous the gas taps were. He got everyone out of the room, turned all the taps on, waited 5 minutes and flicked a match in. The subsequent blast blew out three windows. Not sure how he got away with that one.

The same guy also once found people boiling up hydrochloric acid with their heads stuck over the beaker. "Lads, lads, lads", he said. "You're using the wrong beaker".

The physics teachers. One was massive and had no concept of personal space, as well as a brian blessed voice. Used to be a sailing instructor, and once sailed solo across the Indian ocean. Great guy. Favourite phrase "and stuff". Known for leaving pauses just before the end of phrases as though we should fill them in. All very well in class, but a typical phrase from this man would be "Hello! Nice day......today".

The other teacher. He might actually read B3ta, so I have to be careful here... Former formula ford and superbike racer, kendo expert, kickboxer and total lunatic. Best teacher I've ever had. Used to wander around the room juggling during tests.

The Environmental science teacher. Trombonist in a successful punk band and fanatical cyclist. Had a huge old van he was converting to run on chip fat. He'd spent 6 years "about" to do it, so god knows when he'll finish.

The electronics teachers. One was an insane, shouty Australian with a habit of carrying a fairy wand around and belting you over the head with it when you weren't working. Once gave someone detention every day for 7 weeks because he spilled ink on the register.

The other one was a semi-professional musician who made all his own instruments. Use to wear a pink fluffy labcoat. Favourite phrase "GOD! It's like teaching a bunch of fucking zombies in here! Nurrrrrrrrrrrrr..." (does zombie impression).

The physics teacher who moved schools. Introduced me to the wonders of making explosives in many and varied forms. When we couldn't get one to go off once, his solution was to jump up and down on it. It went off then alright.

The head of music. To this day, absolutely THE scariest person I've ever met. Only about 4'8", but my god... You didn't cross her. Ever. Even the headmaster was scared of her.

The crazy, menopausal biology teacher. Happy and giggling one minute, next screaming at you until she turned purple. She stopped that (for me) after a lesson on trapping where I demonstrated an unhealthy level of knowledge on how to use all the examples she brought along, including the mantrap. Yes, she owned a genuine mantrap.

The male deputy head. Looked like a preying mantis, walked like a cat. Many a time I saw him sneak up on someone playing computer games in the library. He wouldn't say anything - just stand there until they realised. I used to laugh my head off until it happened to me.

The head of 6th form. Former rugby player, and he looked it. Huge, broken nose etc. Would defend his students to the death and didn't care what we did as long as we got the work done. Organised a huge booze cruise on a riverboat for us shortly after term ended. On the last day he spotted about 50 of us heading for the pub rather than attend the deathly boring assembly. The exchange went something like this:

"Oi! You lot!".

"Er, yes?".

"Where do you think you're going?".

"Er... The pub?".





"Well hurry up then".

Legend.



I could go on with more stories (such as my 18th birthday, when I went down the pub at lunchtime with friends and returned in the afternoon, reeking of vodka and walking on the squint), but this is quite long enough.
( MatJ LOOK, Sat 31 Jan 2009, 16:07, Reply)