The custard pie incident
My family and I lived in Helensburgh for about four years, when I was but a youngun, and I went to a Catholic school in a nearby town.

After a couple of years there it was fairly clear it wasn't working out for us, and my parents decided to move away.

I'd decided to myself that I wanted to make a lasting impression - people in the shool would remember me, goddammit! So I asked an older lad what he suggested.

He suggested putting custard pies in the teachers faces. I suspect he was joking, now, but at the time my youthful desire for immortaility cried "fucking great idea!"

So I visited the local jokeshop and bought some custard pie mixture - basically an aerosol canister of harmless foam.

My last day at the school came round, and I went to school with a collection of paper plates and the foam. I'd told a few mates what I was up to, and inevitably used up all of the foam pie-ing them before school started.

So, I wandered off down to the local chemist to liberate some hair mousse at lunchtime.

While after-lunch registration was being called, I went to my favourite Maths teachers class. I sprayed a good dollop of hair mousse onto a plate, and hid it behind my back,in my left hand, as I sauntered into the class.

"Hi, Mr. McHugh", I said (my heart beating hard in my chest) "I just wanted to say thanks for being an ace teacher. Can I shake your hand?".

He offered his hand, and I shook it then pulled down with all my might so that the top of his head was low enough for me to reach. (This was actually quite important to me, as I didn't want to hurt anyone and hair mousse probably stings if you get it in the eyes).

Then "WALLOP" - I plonked the sticky mess on top of his head.

There was silence as what had just transpired sank in and then...

Bedlam - absolute bedlam as the 1st years in the classroom exploded with laughter at the sight of poor chalk mc-cue with a custard pie on his head.

To his credit, he just laughed and shook my hand and said "Well done, WeeDom. Good luck at your next school".

I legged it to my next target - Mr. Budas in the geography section. This is where it started to go wrong. (Actually, that's not true - it began to go wrong the moment the stupid idea entered my head!!)

I walked into Mr. Budas' room, and pulled the exact same trick. I pulled Mr. Budas head towards me and delivered the pie as planned.

More bedlam, more kids crying with laughter.

Mr. Budas wasn't quite as understanding, though, and tried to keep hold of me. I was having none of it! Fuelled by adrenalin and my youthful desire for immortality, I got free of him and legged it to my next victim, whose name I now forget - McGivern, perhaps? McGovan? (shrug)

I knocked on his door and it became apparent that news travels fast - faster than me, at any rate.

Mr. McWhatever opened the door and charged out of it. Without even breaking step, he had me by the collar pressed up against the wall. I didn't even have time to draw my pie - it was now dripping down my school trousers.

He marched me straight to the headmasters office. Thankfully by that time corporal punishment had been banned, otherwise I don't think I'd be able to sit down even now, 21 years later.

Amongst other unkind things, they called me a taxi and sent me home to my parents. Who were somewhat less than amused, as I recall.

The less funny side of the story came when it emerged that Mr. Budas was allergic to the hair mousse, and wanted to press charges of assault. Worse, my parents had scrimped and saved for me to go on holiday with the school to Italy at the end of term, in about a weeks time.

Naturally, I was suspended until the end of term - expelled, really, since I was leaving.

My Dad, love him, had to crawl pretty damn low to convince the teachers going on the trip that this was an anomaly and would most certainly not be repeated on the trip. Somehow he convinced them, and I got my trip to Italy. (I was as good as gold, obviously!)

Thanks, Dad!

Dad is still furious about this, incidentally. 21 years later I still can't tell the story, or even allude to it, if he's around.

Immortality achieved? I don't know. Are there any b3tans from Dumbarton, or the surrounds, who remember the story?
(weedom, Mon 2 Feb 2009, 21:04, 6 replies)

Sorry, but...
I live in that area and I've unfortunately not heard of this story before now. But I'll ask around on your behalf and see if people do know about it.
(General_Manchego, Mon 2 Feb 2009, 21:13, closed)

I do suspect...
... that my memory of it is more vivid than most peoples.

The only people, really, likely to remember the full scale of it are the teachers involved. Even the kids in the classes will only remember the one incident that they saw.

But it'd be pretty cool if it _is_ remembered :)

I'm dominic.pain in-the-region-of painless.co.uk, if you do happen to hear anything.

Cheers
WeeDom
(weedom, Mon 2 Feb 2009, 21:24, closed)

Hmmm...
That story rings a very faint bell, but only as I think I heard it told a year or two after. Tell me Dom, did you then go to a school with a more regal name?
( SteamedCleaner, Wed 4 Feb 2009, 14:41, closed)

Regal?
I don't think so. My full name is pretty obvious from my last post, and I don't think I'd call it regal.

Did some posh fucker copy my idea???
(weedom, Wed 4 Feb 2009, 23:55, closed)

PS -
thanks for the tip on the unflushables.
(weedom, Wed 4 Feb 2009, 23:58, closed)

my mistake
I knew a Dominic from Helensburgh who moved to Edinburgh. He shared his surname with something you shoot (in case he's reading this).
( SteamedCleaner, Thu 5 Feb 2009, 9:37, closed)