How not to get out of PE
To say I wasn't popular at school is to indulge in the most extreme form of understatement. I was spotty and greasy. I was clever. I was quiet. School is hell for those of us who don't want to arse about and just want to get through it with the minimum of fuss.

PE was the worst. I couldn't kick. I couldn't throw. I couldn't catch. I was hopeless. During rugby (which we played in all weathers) I used to always try to stay just ahead of the ball so that it would never be passed to me. I remember one time I failed in my ploy to stay away from the ball and someone unaccountably lobbed it at me. I caught it and with a look of stunned horror realised that Kelvin Bach, the 6-foot-three brick shithouse, was bearing down upon my skinny frame. That was the last time I ever held a rugby ball, let me tell you.

Of course I was always picked last. And I mean last. The weirdos who spent all match standing on the sidelines picking their noses and playing with themselves were picked before me. You know, every day I wake up and give thanks that as long as I live no-one is ever going to tell me to put shorts on and run around after a ball on a cold winter's day. Thankyou, Lord, thankyou, thankyou.

Anyway, that rather long preamble brings us to the point of my tale. It was a normal PE lesson and we were in the changing rooms getting ready. I was aware that there was a guy going around waving a piece of paper in front of people and being met with furrowed brows and shaking heads. It was Gareth, by no means one of the worst, but certainly someone who'd given me his fair share of grief.

Eventually Gareth stopped asking the mono-browed mouth-breathers and came over to me.

"Oy, Mr C, you twat," he said, kindly. "You're a clever bastard, tell me what this says. My mum has written that I can't do PE because I have hemmoroids. What the fuck does that mean?"

Well. Well, well. It's not everyday that life hands you such a nice gift, is it? Making sure that everyone was watching, I smiled at him and, in my loudest voice, said: "PILES!"

His face crumbled at the laughter of his peers. That was possibly my finest moment at school.
(MrC. Having the most boring username on b3ta since 2004, Tue 3 Feb 2009, 11:28, Reply)