The school play…

Further to this post

…After the class photos were taken, it was time to cast for the school play.

Their usual casting policy was to hand out the meatiest role to the biggest show-off with the least amount of shame in the school.

Suffice to say, I was always the ‘star’ turd turn.

The theme that year was going to be the simple story of ‘life on a farm’…and I was playing the farmer. Farmer ‘Giles’ in fact (who said teachers don’t have a sense of humour?).

Come dress rehearsal time – There I was…with my lines all learned, my funny hat in place, my cheeks reddened and a piece of straw firmly wedged in my mouth. I was beginning to ‘become’ the part in a way that would make De Niro himself want to quit the profession in a jealous rage and take up stamp collecting or something.

The only thing that was missing from my masterpiece of an ensemble was the traditional ‘smock’

Which they didn’t have.

So they used a regular.brown.dress as a substitute.

“I’m not fucking well wearing that” I squawked at the teachers: “That’s for girlies…Euuuuurrrgh!”

The fight I put up to get out of wearing the outfit became the stuff of legend. Many of my existing ‘cross-dress-a-phobic’ tendancies were born that day.

The only compromise that could be reached was when the teachers placed an old sack over the top of my dress for added ‘Farmer’ effect (I don’t know either)

Eventually, the big night arrived, and I was pushed out of the wings, with a face like a smacked arse…to the obligatory derisory howls from the audience.

However, I didn’t even have to time to feel the shame about my appearance…because as soon as I stood on the stage I tripped on the hem of the dress and fell onto the back of one of the ‘sheep’ (admirably played by the little ginger girl in the photo).

(My brother explained to me later) that my attempts to clamber to my feet merely accentuated the effect of it looking like I was trying to get my ‘leg over’ the poor flattened girl / sheep hybrid…and we ended up rolling around on the floor together like a pre-pubescent Amsterdam stage act.

The teachers began to appeal for calm through tear-strewn faces as riotous laughter began to break out.

As anarchy reigned, the other sheep and some cows stopped waving to their parents and started joining in with me because they thought that the ‘rolling around on the floor’ game looked like fun.

In the end they had to call a halt to the proceedings and start again after a 20 minute recess.

I believe some of the seats had to be wiped down after witnessing that performance.

Suffice to say, I was asked to be in the choir the year after that...Wearing another fucking dress. But the joke was on them, because I contracted German measles and missed the whole thing….HA!
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Tue 3 Feb 2009, 11:42, Reply)