My Teenage Cancer Scare

When I was fifteen I developed an epididymal cyst, which was basically a lump...

...in my bollocks.

I remember having a rummage round in the shower, as was my custom, and found I had three testicles. Woooo!!! Thought I. Thinking I was some kind of ultimate sex machine, some sort of living cum cannon, able to shoot jizz up walls indefinitely.

But then, after the initial excitement, I realised this was fucking serious.

I kept it to myself for a while, not knowing what the hell to do. It took me a few days to tell my good mates at school that I'd found something alarming in my ball bag.

I wanted a second opinion and I've never been a shy boy, so I whipped my hairy plums out for my mates to take a good look at.

The general consensus was that I was fucked. I had, indeed, developed a new testicle sized growth as if from thin air.

It was at round this time, while my mates were examining the family jewels, that Mr Pentillo, the cunt of a music teacher, clapped his sweaty paw on my shoulder and hauled me off to the Head's office.

Apparently showing your mates your balls during lunch is frowned upon in decent society.

There was even the suggestion of a criminal offence having taken place.

I remember explaining to the Head my medical problem, I even offered to show him the evidence, but he hastily declined and looked scared.

Instead, he reached for the phone and called my mum.

Fuck...

It took her ten minutes to get to the school. She was not happy. I recall sitting in the Head's office with her while he explained the situation in hushed tones. It suddenly occured to me I wasn't in trouble. Far from it. The Head and my dear old mum were just concerned about me.

I was sent home and an urgent visit to the doctors was arranged. Time off school! Fucking result!!!

A hellish few days passed and I discovered I had this epididymal cyst thing, not cancer. A simple outpatient procedure to drain the fluid and I was fine.

A few weeks later I remember sitting round the house with my mum when she looked at me with THAT LOOK, the one she reserved for when I'd done something really a) stupid, b) evil, or c) weird.

"Spanky," she started.

"Yes, Mum..." My spider sense was well and truly tingling.

"When we were at your school that day the headteacher said something that's been on my mind..."

Oh, FUCK!!! I couldn't remember him saying anything incriminating. I strained my brain, trying to think back to the meeting. All I could remember was nice gentle tones, even the offer of a cup of tea. Absolutely nothing that warrented THE LOOK.

"Oh, what did he say, Mum?" I replied as casually as possible.

"He said you'd been showing your testicles to people at school..."

"Yes, Mum. You know that. I was scared about this cyst..." I felt the clenching in my arse subside, I was off the hook.

But my mum perservered.

"The Head said something odd. He said one word which confused me..."

OH SHIT!!! NOW I REMEMBER!!!

I prepared myself, as my mum looked at me and almost whispered...

"He said you'd been showing your testicles to people at school AGAIN...."

FUCK!!! I very nearly shat myself.

My mum leaned closer.

"....what did he mean by AGAIN, Spanky?"


EDIT: Check your balls, gentlemen...(or get someone else to do it for you, its much more fun).
( SpankyHanky, Tue 3 Feb 2009, 22:17, 5 replies)

Ahaha!
Nice!
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 4 Feb 2009, 5:19, closed)

that is fucking hilarious!
*clicks*
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 4 Feb 2009, 8:41, closed)

"Before" and "After" evidence for the win
*Clicks*
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 4 Feb 2009, 10:06, closed)

Ha ha!
Funny story! Glad it worked out all right though, a friend wasn't so lucky though it did lead to one off the funniest scotch egg shopping trips ever the other day...
( Jimbuktu See? Right here, Thu 5 Feb 2009, 13:42, closed)

Excellent telling of the tale
*clicks*
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 5 Feb 2009, 14:06, closed)