How a school project made me disillusioned with politics
Well school election but since I don't know when I'll get another chance I'm posting it here.

The year was 1997 and even amongst those of us in primary 6 talk was of the big election. Being young and naive in 90s Scotland all we really knew was we wanted the SNP to give the others a bloody nose. Even our teacher was caught up in election fever and decided the best way to motivate our little minds into how elections worked was to hold our own for class president!

We were informed by tomorrow candidates were to be nominated and we broke off for lunch. I admit I was already questioning if I should seek such ultimate power at a young age though I knew two of the so-called popular kids were going to stand and thought against it. At that moment however a lassie from my class, lets call her Chelsea, come over and informed me she was going to nominate me since she had been impressed with my rant on independence the day before. My mate, Neilly, standing beside agreed and so it was I 'reluctantly' accepted and set about campaigning.

Chelsea was probably my greatest political asset - while I wasn't unpopular I certainly was no match for the other two. Furthermore one of them was a popular good-looking female who was sure to win over not only the female voters but some of the men. Chelsea though was equally liked by the non-popular males and females. I realised that was the weakest part of the other two candidates - they were the so-called "popular kids" and would unlike realise that the majority of the class were made up of those they deemed "rejects". So it was I made Chelsea my campaign leader - she was the Palin to my McCain. I sent her off to begin building support. Neilly's eyes lit up with anticipation he wanted to be given a title on my campaign to. I thus made him PR leader and set him off into the playground to find out what the other kids wanted.

Left alone to ponder my strategy I spied young Brian prowling for pray, his hand you see was a face hugger. Normally me and my mate would annoy Brian and his friends in order to get them to chase us, my mind though realised more capital was now to be gained through gaining his support. The other two candidates would definitely not canvass him and his friends. I called Brian over and grudgingly pretended to be stuck to the wall while he face-huggered me. In later years it was to be discovered Brian is gay and into bondage and I can't help but wonder if I was agreeing to take part in some early form of homoerotic experience for him purely with the hidden agenda of gaining his support for my campaign... such is politics I suppose. He hissed as he brought his hand towards my face, spit from his mouth spraying me. Being informed he had now "impregnated" me, we moved conversation towards my campaign and I got his support only through mentioning who the other candidates were likely to be.

So came nomination day and as expected it was me, popular guy and popular girl. Neilly had handed me a list of the voters demands and so it was I started my official election campaign on the joint policies of Scottish Independence and shafting the residential homes at the seafront to make way for a rollercoaster park. Popular guy had no policies apart from his ego and the popular girl claimed she could get her nextdoor neighbour, a famous footballer, to help us with our PE. Fortunately this would work to my advantage as she was only poaching support from the popular guy with her policy.

Thus came election day: Chelsea was still working her way amongst the masses and Neilly was to make lists of those whose support I had won over. Out of the class of 30 I had 14 people as definite supporters I could taste sweet victory! Balloting over and the teacher informed us that 7(!) votes were discarded because they had put ticks instead of crosses. Before the voting started we were repeatedly told only Xs would be counted and not ticks. I scanned the room and saw Brian and co lower their heads in shame - the bastards!

The results were read out: me - 11, popular guy - 2, popular girl - 17! An apparent landslide. If you do the maths however to include the 7 discarded votes that makes 37 with a class of 30! Something smelt fishy and after class I ran round my supporters to ask what happened - roughly 5 admitted they had put ticks but the rest had put crosses, the election had been fixed by adding all the discounted votes onto the popular girls! Why? That was to be discovered the following months when the teacher repeatedly asked our new el presidente when she would get the footballer in, her election promise though never materialised.

And that was how at the age of 10 I knew what Stalin meant when he said "The people who cast the votes decide nothing. The people who count the votes decide everything" and was disillusioned with parliamentary politics thanks to a school project / election.
(Brydie, Fri 14 Aug 2009, 13:21, 1 reply)

Firstly have a click
Secondly, on a tenuously linked subject:

At least you ran your own campaign.

I was also at the heady heights of year 6 the typical house captain votings were in full swing. My "dear" father decided to "help" me by writing my speech that I would deliver to all the thick shits in the years below me. Needless to say, big mistake. No flashy posters, no witty jokes. Just dull, regular politics. That doesnt win the hearts and minds of 7-11 year olds :(

Although well done on your near victory.
( unsey a frizzy haired fruit since, Mon 17 Aug 2009, 15:10, closed)