Well.. not that any of us HATED him.....
.. but we all had our suspicions. He was such a nice bloke: ALL the girls would say so. *I* always thought he was a closet "campanologist" that had never rung anyone's bell(end).

Christmas do at the office one year and it was to be a $5 secret santa (worth around 37p to those reeling from *just* losing the ashes.) I'd bought the missus a back massager a few weeks earlier: It had an 8" slightly curved, 1" square wooden handle and a pair of 1-1/2" spherical wheels at one end.... (I can see that you know where THIS is going) She just couldn't handle the thought of having something so phallic rubbed up and down her back THAT WASN'T EVEN REAL...! So I wrapped the thing up in Chrissy paper and wrote Mal's name on it. I even wrote SMITH on it as a surname to confuse people as to whom the present was for, but my ruse came unhinged, for that WAS his name..!

Christmas do comes around and when the gifts came to being handed out, the office tart that was hunched down under the tree (whilst we all ogled - the main resaon for why SHE was asked to do the giving) paused to catch her breath as she picked up this phallice and then blushed when she realised what she had in her hands..... at the SAME TIME all the gils in the office gave out a near-inaudible sigh. (I'll never know if this was in anticipation of hoping the gift was THEIRS or from previous sad misgivings and lack of lengthliness)

When Mal's name was read out all the smiles dropped from the girls' faces and as much as he blushed to show his embarassment, I swear that I saw his pupils dilate in anticipation of what lay ahead.

Hs covered his tracks well, I must admit, when on unwrapping the gift he annouinced that, "I shall enjoy using this on my wife". Bastard hid THAT little fact well hadn't he, so I simply asked "Or would it be nicer when she uses it on you...".... he laughed liek he didn't get the joke.


Oh well, maybe I could have been wrong, but I began questioning even that when later at the bar he asked if it was me that had gave him the gift and I replied, "Yeah, thought you may have had a laugh out of it. But to be honest, I have always had this sneaking suspicion...." TO which he said, "Yeah, so does my boyfriend..."**

(** well, ok THAT last bit was a bit of a stretch of the truth. Turns out he WAS straight but has always had people ask him.)

And I shan't apologise for the length - it may not be the same length as the massager, but I sure know how to make it FEEL that way. And in width.....!
(Sir Jester, Tue 19 Dec 2006, 1:26, Reply)