Extended Family
I know this is slightly off topic, but what you are about to read, regards the Christmas presents we (my family and I) have been given by my relatives, on my Mother's side family over the years, which is a little like secret santa, because what we usually receive from them, suggests that the frame of mind, of certain members of my extended family, when purchasing gifts, is very much in the same vein as someone whom is buying anonymously.

1) At the age of 11 my youngest brother received an oversize plastic hammer, which played the sound of glass smashing, when the end of the hammer was struck against another object. It was second hand, and on the box was written "Suitable for 2-4 year olds".

2) Both my brothers, my sister, and I, opened our gifts one Christmas morning, and were pleasanlty suprised to find we had all received remote control cars, which for once seemed a really good gift, on closer inspection however, the remote control cars were all attached to a 5ft wire, on the end of which was the controller, so not so good. The cars in action, were a little like taking a dog for a walk, really slowly.

3) My father received what I can only describe as a dwarf barbeque (too large and heavy to be considered a camping stove, the trade name on the box was "GrillFass"), with about enough room to cook a couple of rashers of bacon. Not a great gift for a family of six, and probably picked up in the bargain bin at a garden centre, as I don't know too many shops that have a push on barbeques at Christmas time. Also, the barbeque was about a foot tall, and didn't have legs. So when in use, because the cast iron lump would get quite hot, you either had to put it on the ground, crouch, and then cook, or somehow find a flame retardent, tungsten table to place it upon.

4) Another great present for my father, "Thus Spoke Zarathustra", by Friedrich Nietzsche. I didn't understand what this book was at the time (so I was unable to appreciate the sublime stupidity of this gift until years later), but neither did my dad, who is more of a cricket fan than a philosopher, I think his reaction once he had removed the wrapping paper, was "That's a funny name for a novel".

5) At the age of 14, from my Grandma, I received what was entitled a "Penis Repair Kit", in which were bundled a small pair of scissors, some moisturiser, and a couple of lace bows. I don't know how self assured other pubescent teenagers are about their private parts, but opening this in front of my family whom were all laughing, was very emabarassing. Further more, when I threw it in the bin, the gift tag fell off, and underneath was written the message "Love, from Sarah Tweedy, p.s. don't tell Dad", so another second hand gift.

6) One of my brothers once stupidly mentioned, in front of our grand parents, that they liked liquor chocolates. So for 5 years straight they received, a value size box of "brandy beans" (about 50 in a box, all exactly the same... after eating about 5, you're sick of them), each Christmas, made by the exact same manufacturer, and with exaclty the same design on the box. I swear they bought them in bulk in the January sales one year.

7) My sister once received an oil burning lamp.....

8) The elder of my two brothers also received a "Ralph Lauren" shirt. Again, seemingly a decent gift, however when he tried it on, it was obvious it was second hand, it smelled of cigarettes, and the collar was massive, like something John Travolta might have worn in Saturday Night Fever.

9) Finally, there was the hamper from my Mother's brother. He is married to a dutch woman, and lives in Holland, so one Christmas he sent all the family, a hamper of Dutch delicacies. On the basis of this hamper, I would hate to see what the Dutch consider, inedible, in which there was a giant tub of apple jelly, stale biscuits, some other strange barely edible crap, and the centre piece of the hamper, some aniseed flavoured tables, apparently for making flavoured water (Hot or Cold!), I think they were called "arsjeblookes", and could well have been mistaken for suppositories.

I wonder what I'll get this year, and I wonder If I'll be able to sell it on Ebay.

Merry Christmas.

EDIT: p.s. Just so my post qualifies (it isn't very interesting, feel free to move on to the next post), I have taken part in a Secret Santa thing before. I gave a fellow female employee a hand made A-Team t-shirt, with pictures of Hannibal, Face, Murdock and BA, each with a silly caption underneath (I was really proud of my work, I wish I had a picture to post). Unfortunately the miserable bag seemed quite apathetic about her gift, I later learned she was a frighteningly devoted Bruce Springstein fan, in retrospect, I should have chosen different pictures to match the caption "Porn in the USA", or something similar....missed opportunity.

EDIT EDIT: p.p.s To Sarah Tweedy (whoever you are), if you're reading, your boyfriend gave your gift to my grandma, which means that either your boyfriend thinks my gran has a penis, or he wanted her to have a look at his old chap, either way, he seems like a bad egg...also I'm confused, is your boyfriend's dad, also your dad? I have wondered sometimes. I hope you didn't marry the fellow.
(dunkindogdo, Thu 21 Dec 2006, 0:55, Reply)