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This is a question Sex Toys

Lanternchikk asks "How about a vibrant and stimulating discussion on sex toys?" What do you use to get off, and has it ever gone wrong? And yes, we've heard that urban myth, thank you.

(, Thu 17 May 2012, 12:33)
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It's sort-of a sex-toy, I suppose...
Many years ago, I had a job in the wonderful world of scud/grumble/Frankie Vaughan. Nothing too exotic, sadly - I worked for a company that produced one-handed reading material and skin-flicks, and it was my duty to ensure that their raft of websites was regularly updated with fresh pictures from the latest bongo-mags. It was fun (with the possible exception of Readers' Wives week), and the contents of my in-tray would routinely put the local hedgerows to shame.

One feature of the websites, quite pioneering at the time, was the Livecam. Every night, punters could log on and watch a range of models stripping off live on camera, performing lewd acts and talking filth in the chatroom. It was years ahead of those soul-crushing channels in the nine-hundreds, populated by bored-looking women listlessly waggling cordless phones in silence. Oh yes, we were offering live tragi-bation a decade ahead of those latecomers. All this action took place one floor down from my office, in a small studio containing a bed, a computer, a webcam and a lingering smell of baby-oil and resignation.

The girls built up quite a fanbase, so much so that another feature was introduced; The Livecam Shop. Here, punters could enhance their experience by purchasing a 'gift' for the girl onscreen. 5 bought her a virtual rose, 10 a box of virtual chocolates. The girls would then respond by - Well, to be honest I don't know, because even the loneliest and most desperate of worm-burpers wasn't gullible enough to fall for that scam while I was watching. Um, monitoring the service for bandwidth issues.

There was one item in the shop that wasn't a total rip-off, though; For about 15, viewers could treat themselves to their favourite Livecam girl's used knickers. These sold like hot cakes that had been kept up a fanny. The fans went wild for them, and we did a roaring trade. What more could the sophisticated man about town want? After sitting and panting at the screen for three hours, studiously poring over a model's every nork-jiggle and buttock-oiling, consigning the best bits to the mammary bank, he could complete the experience with the most personal of keepsakes; A delicate lacy undergarment that had spent a whole day tightly hugging the most intimate parts of the object of his affection. Sure, there may have been a chatroom full of pud-pullers watching her erotic display, but not many of them could claim ownership of a piece of underwear from her very own collection, wrapped snuggly around her curves for a whole day before being hermetically sealed and despatched to their door.

The romance of the situation was only slightly tarnished by the fact that, back upstairs, the chap at the next desk was kept busy for about an hour a day with the task of going through a job-lot of bright red factory-second polyester thongs brought in from the outlet store that morning, squirting each one with a bottle of Superdrug's cheapest perfume, sealing it in a polythene sandwich bag and bunging the whole sensual package in the post :(
(, Wed 23 May 2012, 19:35, closed)
To be fair,
this could have been a lot worse.
(, Wed 23 May 2012, 20:03, closed)
Oh aye.
You should've seen the state of the studio keyboard.
(, Wed 23 May 2012, 20:08, closed)
Bleh!
I'll try not to imagine it.
(, Wed 23 May 2012, 20:39, closed)
So we're the knickers not even worn?
The money I've wasted :(
(, Wed 23 May 2012, 23:41, closed)
Alas no, they never even saw a lady.
They were box-fresh, if you'll pardon the expression.
(, Thu 24 May 2012, 7:16, closed)
It
might have been better to have rubbed the crotch with a tuna cheese melt,
THEN spray it with the Superdrug perfume. Hmmmm, smells like Victory...
(, Thu 24 May 2012, 0:30, closed)
"lingering smell of baby-oil and resignation"
definitely deserves a click
(, Thu 24 May 2012, 8:09, closed)
I like this.

(, Thu 24 May 2012, 8:12, closed)

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