A dog, a baby, lots of shit and me: My life as a mother
I used to have a dog, Vixen. I then gave birth to my squalling boy child. Vixen was a collie-alsatian cross, who was particularly fond of poo. Horse, person, her own, the cat.. just poo.

So being the disgusting baggage I am, I let the nappies pile up in a bag at the side of the bed for a few days before I put them in the bin. One day I came home to discover my bedroom covered in nappy innards, shit smears and dog foot prints. I mean *everywhere*. In my bed, in the cot, on my clothes. EVERYWHERE.

Then of course my delightful son decided, when he was 2, to smear his shit on his walls when the health visitor was due to visit. That was nice. At least he was artistic about it.

Then there was the time I was 5. I was wearing my favourite burgundy dungarees. I was also suffering from a very bad case of gastroeneritis. Couldn't get the dungys down quick enough.. Mum put me in the bath after striping me off and I was merrily sick and shat in the bath for about an hour. I remember every last second of that. There is photographic evidence of it, but I'm still searching for it.

My brother produces the most enormous turds you've ever seen in your life. This is fair enough now, as he's 6'3" of a grown man. However when he was 4, 5, 6 etc he could produce *THE SAME FUCKING VOLUME*. We would regularly have to use the toilet brush to break it up and push it round the U bend.

He took to running round the back of the garage and having slash/shit on the compost heap instead of going inside to the loo. It *stank* like nothing I've ever smelt since. Dad managed to get it to rot down, and it made the most fertile and beautiful compost. The veg the summer after was marvellous.. (yes, we ate it)

Unfortunately my son has developed the habit of peeing in public. Yesterday he stood in the middle of the outdoor shopping arcade and pissed into the gutter. In front of a large group of eldery hags. Adam is now 4 and very proud of his bodily effusions. He likes to watch it run down to the grate. Shame these ladies didn't.. Thought I was going to get arrested :)

Men: you don't know the concept of shitting until you've had the most horrendous period that's lasted for 40 odd days. Thats 40 odd days of bleeding heavily, cramping, screaming and rolling about in pain. And not being able to shit. I went 43 days without shitting once. I kid yea not. When it finally arrived (after recourse to the laxative I had left over after giving birth) the resulting turd was approximately 17 inches long, 5 inches across and covered in blood. Ah yes.. the piles. Pregnancy gives you piles you know.. and then the week following this turd was an excercise in not shitting myself in public. I didn't leave the house much that week. Or wear white.

So yes. Being a mother revolves around shit. Feeding child to make it shit, then cleaning said shit up, disposing of shit and trying to get offspring to stop playing with his shit. Good job I love him :)
(switchbit, Fri 7 May 2004, 20:20, Reply)