Sinking the Titanic
Right... I spent Christmas and the New Year on a ship (I'll not go into details as to why).

The toilets on this vessel worked on a vacuum system, so the first thing that they told you when you got onboard was "if you block the crapper, make sure you unblock it as soon as you can, or else the entire system won't be able to flush".

I wasn't too bothered, being more concerned with Christmas-related issues, and the fact that I had access to an HD projector for my xbox.

This story then zooms forward in time to the evening of Christmas day...

I'd eaten a mighty amount of turkey and such-like, resulting in a brimming-full digestive system.
When I retired to my cabin, I dropped the log off, and stood up before flushing, not wanting my insides to be sucked out of my sphincter by the vacuum power.

Hitting the button caused a mighty noise, and the epic beast that I'd placed there changed from laying placidly horizontal, to upending, much like the Titanic.

To my horror, the "vacuum hole" was of a smaller diameter than the turd I'd produced, leaving what can best be discribed as an obelisk of shite, proudly standing tall, head firmly rooted in the hole, tail clear of the shallow water, in the air.

I wan't really sure what to do, and started to panic as the water level in the bowl began to rise.
It stopped short of the top of the bowl however, leaving me several options:

a) Break it up by hand
b) Run and hide
c) Flush again

Option c) seemed the best course of action, but as it turned out, it wasn't, resulting in the toilet being full to the brim with water.
I decided on option b), and let the natural action of a good soaking take its course.

When I came back 2 hours later, to a powerful smell, the beast looked a little defeated, so I closed my eyes, gritted my teeth and hammered the vacuum-erator button again.

After a brief panic, it had gone, leaving me splashed with water, eyes stinging from the smell of stewed-shite, and a huge sense of relief.

Well done if you made it to the end, I know it was a shit story.
( Cawl, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 17:13, 4 replies)

Umhmm, yes
I just tried to eat a yoghurt while reading that.
Bleeeee.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 17:19, closed)

You didn't have to read it...
You just saw my name and couldn't resist it...
( Cawl, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 17:20, closed)

oi
get back to illuminating the manuscripts, acolyte!
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 17:28, closed)

Sorry...
Actually, I'm going home now, a sucessful day at work:

Achieved nothing other than telling an epic tale of poo, starting the "gay-pond" jokes, and getting first post in the new QOTW.

That's a good Thursday!
( Cawl, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 17:32, closed)