Worst night ever
None but my closest of friends have ever been told this story - I'm sure you will understand why by the end.

The story begins, at Woodies Alehouse, at 11am, with my first pint of Old Speckled Hen. We were about to commence on the legendary Headingly Mile, AKA the Otley Run. It even has it's own Wikipedia entry: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Otley_Run

As you can see from the article, a LOT of beer is involved - generally about 15-16 pints on the version we do.

Back to the story - things were going nicely up until about 5pm, where the chunder started kicking in for some of the the smaller members of the group, as it does every single time. We decided to go and get some food from 'Flames' - possibly the dodgiest fast food place in Leeds. A couple of Chicken Burgers later (topped neatly up with another pint or two), everyone was feeling better, and decided to engage in a little hedge diving on the Leeds Uni campus. As the name implies, this basically involves hurling yourself into a hedge at high speed, with extra points being added for entries off roofs etc.

It was at this moment I felt a rumbling in my lower gut which was distinctly ominous. It was also the moment a security gaurd turned up, and told us to leave, or he'd be calling the Police. Being polite drunks, we wandered off, in search of a toilet. Things started to go very wrong about three minutes later. I had a five second decision - shit myself, or shit next to the tree. I chose the latter; in full view of a CCTV camera, and just as the security guard pulled up again. This caused severe stage fright, which resulted in a foul smelling and looking fire-hose like spray viciously squirting up the tree, and being chased, trousers round ankles, shit dripping from arse, by a moderately overweight security guard. Somehow, I managed to get away, and waddled into a upmarket bar/restaurant in the city centre, where I ran into the toilet, and stripped naked, and attempted to remove most of the shit from my clothes. Unfortunately for me, the bar was hosting the Christmas party for what looked like a large company who had hired the whole place out, and it appears their senior managers were not impressed by me, being naked, covered in excrement, and sufficiently drunk to not be able to stand. I was 'asked to leave' by the bouncers, which I did.

I eventually made it home for a well-deserved shower, a drink of water, and bed. At 9pm.

It's pretty much the nastiest thing I have ever done in my whole life, but it was also entirely unavoidable and unforwarned, and I literally had no other options other than the two described. I spent the next few weeks praying I wasn't about to make my first TV appearance on Crimewatch.
(Merrep, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 17:42, Reply)