Nerve Induced Hyper-Excretion
Now, there are few things in my life thus far that rival the nervousness I inevitably suffer at exam periods.

Why, many is the time that I’ve sat down in front of a maths paper, and wished with all my very being that I had had the foresight to take a preparation dump, as the contents of my writhing intestines make repetitive escape attempts, via my puckered balloon knot.

It is all I can do to hold my focus on the exam paper, tense my buns and pray that the hour or so to come will pass swiftly, and without incident.

It was earlier this week, that I was scheduled to sit a French Oral exam, and was, as they say, “bricking it”. On the morning of the exam, my waking thought was, that if I was indeed destined to fail at French, at least I wouldn’t shit myself.

My thinking was that as a preventative method, I would flush my system entirely of any perpetrating turds that may pose a threat to the integrity of my underpants. And flush it I did!

I had gathered but never put into practice, that concentrated roughage is the best way to purge ones self of nastiness lurking in the digestive system, and short of colonic irrigation, I was willing to try anything. So the night before the day of reckoning saw me sitting at the kitchen table, munching my way through a box of Kellogg’s finest Bran Flakes and off to bed nice early.

The morning arrived with undue haste, and the nerves began to set in. I was practically shaking as I sat down again to finish off the Bran Flakes, which I duly did. I am usually a fairly regular visitor of the toilet bowl, but to my slight unease, I did not feel the customary morning urge to curl one in.

My appointment with the executio-- I mean examiner, was to take place at 3.00, which gave me precious time to do some last minute cramming, which was spent instead watching the clock, and counting the minutes to my impending doom.

It was shortly before 3.00, when I was finally graced with the urge to empty my bowels, and I meandered feverishly towards the bathroom. People have many words for occasions like this. Some would call it an epiphany, a brain wave, but I like to think I found god in that cubicle, and I was truly blessed as I gave life to an undeniably splendid poo.

So splendid in fact that it deemed itself above the laws of mere mortals, and refused to flush. It lodged itself in the bowl and subsequently caused a large blockage. As the water was close to overflowing, my thoughts went out to the cleaner, who would fatefully have to dislodge this symbol of mans ability to achieve greatness, this beacon of hope, this massive turd which I was frankly astounded I had passed myself.

With a strong feeling of triumph, I made my way to the sink, to consecrate this holy deed. But, no sooner had I turned the tap than I felt the earth itself tremor. My stomach lurched, and in realisation, I made a dash for the second cubicle.

This time I dropped several dollops of somewhat less consistent godliness, which conspired to form what I can only describe as a grating over the exit pipe of the toilet, blocking the escape of the paper, and causing a second blockage.

Surprised by myself, I chuckled and made my way once more to the sink. This time, I didn’t even reach it before I was overcome by the dramatic shifting taking place inside me. I made for the third and last cubicle in the bathroom, and just managed to place myself over the bowl before all hell was let lose.

***

Whilst sitting in contemplation, it occurred to me how despite being full of all manner of poos, my insides were in almost perfect balance. Like yin and yang, whilst upon occasion performing spectacularly, I was also capable of great evil.

***

The shear amount of bog roll involved in the wiping of a poo such as this was more than enough to block the third successive toilet.

I tentatively immerged into the room, feeling several kilograms lighter; I looked back to admire my work, and take in the strong sent of my endeavours. I was careful to wash my hands well, and in so doing, noticed the time! It was 3.00! Shit!

In the end I got an A. It was the cherry on the cake, which was the most successful day of my life to date. The day when I blocked every toilet in the college bathrooms.

Length – the ordeal lasted no less than half an hour.
(ShitBitch, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 23:03, 1 reply)

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Made me laugh out loud. Deserves a click if only for the length and eloquence
(Jindrak, Sun 30 Mar 2008, 2:01, closed)