Shits, no giggles
I was living in the North East of England, in a shared house. My housemate was in no way a charmer. He was an ignorant, fat, racist scumbag thief. He was also a very dirty human being. Ex: He'd use my soap as foam to shave with, directly applying it to his chin, leaving stubble and skin flakes. Then he'd leave his shave in the sink. Sickening.

However, one day he excelled himself in the hygiene stakes. Coming back pissed one night, he sat his flabby shanks on the toilet. He was a very tubby individual (20 stone plus, all lard), and must have misplaced his weight as he sat down. The toilet seat was ripped from its housing, and he'd evacuated on the floor. The carpeted bathroom floor, situated above the always hot kitchen of the flat below. Our flat reeked of fecal matter from that point onwards.

He'd put the main bulk of the turds in the pan, but had left a rich brown tapestry on the carpet. Woken up by the ungodly smell in the morning, after inspecting the massacre in the bathroom, I totally lost it.

"You filthy fucking ANIMAL!!!"
"You've shit on the floor, you fucking BEAST!!!" I yelled as I hammered on his door.

His timid, feeble reply came croaking back. 'I had an accident...'

He never cleaned it up properly, and I moved out a fortnight later. Looking back, it's a superb way to force someone to move out. He later became a University lecturer. We don't stay in touch, although I did managed to involuntarily yell out 'CUNT!!!' at him from a coach window when I was going through Twickenham.
(teepee_uk sniggers whenever anyone uses the word 'period', Fri 28 Mar 2008, 3:14, Reply)