Once again, my dear departed cousin comes to mind.....
He had some funny ways, did my cousin. And he also had a complete inability to keep tales of these funny ways to himself.

One day, when we were working together, he told me of his recent visit to the toilet. Not what you want to hear whilst trying to digest a pizza crunch supper (which is difficult enough at the best of times) but he always liked putting us off our dinner.

Apparently, he had been locked in a battle with a bottom baby for a good half hour one day, and when he finally managed to lift himself off it, he was shocked at what he found peering out of the bowl at him. According to him, this monster was lodged round the u-bend, reared up out of the water and it's crown sat about an inch from the rim of the bowl. Being a bright lad, he knew flushing this beast would be like firing an air rifle at a rhino, but he gave the handle a few pulls, just in case the beast looked harder than it actually was. The creature held firm, refusing to join it's friends in the afterlife, so my cousin had only one option (it seemed, to him.... i doubt it would have occurred to me....)

My auntie's house is quite odd. Fancy, but odd. The toilet is downstairs, right next to the kitchen. So it was but a short journey for my cousin to retrieve a large tablespoon and begin sawing the monster into manageable chunks. Soon enough, he had dealt with the beast, and he thought that was that.

About a year later, he was an usher at my wedding. During the dinner, flushed with relief at getting the speeches over with, I noticed that from the choice of chocolate cake or strawberry gateaux, my cousin had gone with the latter while I had chosen the chocolate. "Scott!" I shouted across the room of assembled family members. He looked up. I held my plate up and slowly began slicing my chocolate cake into small pieces.... "Is the memory too much for you?"

Cue the 2 of us in tears of laughter while 2 bemused families wondered what the hell we were on about.

I told the ex later. She didn't think it was funny.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Sun 30 Mar 2008, 16:06, Reply)