I really do have quite a lot of stories involving faeces.
Back when I was but a tiny little sack, in the first year of secondary school, I had a mate named Charlie. We were the usual kind of schoolboy mates, always play-fighting and ripping the ever loving piss out of each other, but Charlie had this curse. He seemed to be magnetically drawn towards dog turds.

I remember when we first noticed this. Sitting next to Charlie in registration, I noticed a foul stench which seemed to be eminating from under the desk. A quick glance revealed what looked like a scene from the infamous 2 girls 1 cup, with dog shit smeared all over the carpet, table legs, his schoolbag and even up his leg. He spent a good part of the following period cleaning it up (I remember it was maths, and I wasn't sure if he was lucky or unlucky at the time.)

But this wasn't Charlie's scatological high point. Oh no. That would come around a year later. Our School, sadly now torn down and replaced with a modern, soul-less building, was a bit of a landmark. Built on 2 sides of a road with an adjoining bridge, a large orange tube by which we could cross the road safely. On one side was the "new building" and the other, amazingly, the "old building". The old building was built partially on a hill, so upon exiting the rear (which was the way to the chip shop and bus stop) there were several tiered paths, a load of steps and some rather steep little hills. We were kids. We didn't use steps. Running out one day into the freedom and fresh air, we all began the daily ritual of half running, half jumping down these little hills. Barely had Charlie reached the summit of the first one before he skidded in something wet and slid feet first to the bottom.

Of course, you already know what the wet thing was. It was on both shoes, all up one trouser leg, all the way up his jacket and on his face and hair.

In a touching display of childhood pathos, we all erupted into furious laughter, and in that state of rage that can only be brought about by crippling shame, he spent the next ten minutes attempting to smear it on us.

Halcyon days.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Mon 31 Mar 2008, 15:47, Reply)