Thank you, Ian Hislop and an Unknown blond girl...
'twas monday morning of Reading Festival of last year. I woke promptly at 7am, with an arsefull of three day old beer, nachos and other junk food trying to escape from my instinctively tightly-clenched nipsy.

I awoke, and feverishly searched around for bog paper - there was none. A vague memory sparked of someone - almost certainly me - suggesting that, as last night was the Last Night, we might as well burn the TP to keep the fire going.

Ok... don't panic. *grumble* *puussshh* ok best panic!! Just go to the toilet!! We'll deal with the wiping later! Priority is to eject!

I waddle, anus clenched, as fast as I can towards the privvies, about 400 meters away. Two or three times I had to stand still for a minute, clench buttocks, jaw and sphincter as hard as I could, and wait for the pressure to subside slightly before I could continue my waddle toiletward.

Thankfully, the gods were smiling upon my predicament. A young girl heading the same way indulged me in conversation. Had this been a different time and place, I would have chatted her up and asked her out. As it was, I offered her £1 for a few pieces of bog paper. She laughed, and said "not everyone here's a cunt, you know" and gave me a free handful of bum tissue with a knowing smile.
No sooner had I got into the (shit-splattered) toilet than my jeans were around my ankles and I was being exorcist-sick from the wrong end into the pit of poo & wee beneath me. I've never felt such relief. Alas, my weak, aching thigh muscles lacked stamina, and the lengthy wiping process was about to begin. It looked as if I would have to sit down on three dozen of other people's poodrops to wipe up. And I hadn't been given THAT much paper.

It was then that I remembered the Private Eye in my back pocket. I tore out pages and laid them around the seat, sat down in relief and started the wiping process. Bless UnknownBlondGirl... to the sheet - she'd given me almost exactly enoough. There was only one thing for it - I'd have to polish off with a page from the Private Eye. And I wiped my shit-greased nipsy on Tony Blairs face. Thanks, Hislop!
(nobuttocks last besmirched the internet on, Mon 31 Mar 2008, 21:21, 1 reply)

Like this
Very funny
(ShitBitch, Tue 1 Apr 2008, 9:57, closed)