Shit in a shoe
When my granddad died, my granny went decidedly down hill and eventually ended up in a wardened flat.

As time went by I found out that she was a conniving old goat (and was a real bitch to my poor old granddad – but that’s another story). In her eyes, as soon as the old sod kicked the bucket, she would be moving in with my parents to live the life of riley. My parents had other ideas about this.

This must have pissed her off as the psychological games started as soon as she moved into the flat. She would phone up and groan down the line as if something bad had happened, regularly hit her panic alarm and was generally rude to my mum and dad.

However, the crowning glory must have been when she phoned up to say she had fallen over. Mum and dad rushed round to see if she was ok. What they found was her (fully clothed) lying on the floor, with a freshly laid cigar nestling in her slipper. Now, the thing about this is.

A)She was fully clothed
B)She still had one shoe on
C)She wore a colostomy bag, so must have removed the bag, squeezed out the contents and put the bag back.


She really was a weird one.

There was also the time I had to help change her ‘bag’ – but I get nightmares even thinking about that (as well as gagging), so I won’t go into any more detail.

Shudders.
(Deskbound You insignificant speck of dust, Tue 1 Apr 2008, 11:01, 2 replies)

Ohhhhhh
...you mean a bum cigar! Phew, I thought you meant she had been assaulted by Jimmy Saville,
(Rsoles, Tue 1 Apr 2008, 11:36, closed)

I knew an old woman like this once
she liked to withdraw cash, hide the money in her flat, then call the police and tell them her family had stolen it.
She, however, refused to wear her panic button as she obviously felt she would gain more pity from her daily visits (from put-upon daughter) if found prostrate and incapable. Until the time, of course, that she actually DID fall over, and had no way to call for help, not realising her daughter was away for a few days. She had been on the floor for three days when her daughter did find her. She called an ambulance, and the paramedic spent every available moment giving her a bollocking for being so unerringly rude to them and her daughter as they arrived, and for not wearing the panic button. He did this as she stayed on the floor and refused to move her until she apologised. I think he got her number pretty quick off the mark - the daughter was quite impressed.
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Tue 1 Apr 2008, 12:20, closed)