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This is a question Shit Stories: Part Number Two

As a regular service to our readers, we've been re-opening old questions.

Once again, we want to hear your stories of shit, poo and number twos. Go on - be filthier than last time.

(, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 14:57)
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Urban legend
You have been warned - it's a story a mate told me many years ago - apols if anyone got there before me.

This story concerns our beloved monarch Liz Eye Eye (as we refer to her round these parts). As you may know, what with all the official visiting she does and the international incidents which might be precipitated by Queenie having to receive foreign dignitaries weeping and with pants full of regal poo prior to posting her own reminisences on these pages (you KNOW the Queen's a b3tan), it is necessary to ensure that a crapper is set aside for her personal use on all such engagements.

On this occasion, she was inspecting one of her battleships and the "mate of a mate" who starred in this story was working there at the time / sodomising his colleagues / wanking onto biscuits (delete as appropriate). He got truly lucky when he was "ass"igned to prepare / polish HRH's crapper. Sensing an op"poo"rtunity, he cunningly put the following plan into action:

1) Unscrew pipe behind bog
2) Insert ladies stocking* so as to catch any solid matter which passed through pipe.
3) Replace

If you give any credence to this tale at all, you'll be glad to know he scored a brown fish, which he subsequently dried, varnished, mounted and popped on his mantlepiece as a truly unique memento of the royal visit.

Apologies for likely high bullshit factor of this post - but please don't let that stop you clicking.

*I'd normally be curious as to why a man working far from land and presumably in an almost completely all-male environment possessed such an item. But he was a sailor - mystery solved.
(, Wed 2 Apr 2008, 13:44, 7 replies)
Jimmy Hill
Chinny reckon

Itchy chin etc.
(, Wed 2 Apr 2008, 14:06, closed)
I've heard a similar tale
Something about the aircrew of an RAF VIP transport flying the Spice Girls somewhere and upon landing a spicy jobbie was liberated from the kharzy.

Not sure which of the tuneless fivesome it come from - current speculation is that its an extremely rare motion from VB, but the odds are against it given her apparent aversion to food - but one assumes it's only a matter of time before it's given front page coverage on OK! magazine and subsequently embarks on a solo career.

If it is one of Vicky's then no doubt it'll possess far superiour muscial and conversational abilities.
(, Wed 2 Apr 2008, 14:27, closed)
I read somewhere
that before Her Lizness visits, just in case she should feel the need to park a Royal log, someone drops something in the bog with someone else stood outside. The purpose? To gauge how far away the security bods have to stand. Can't have mere mortals overhearing a royal poop!
(, Wed 2 Apr 2008, 15:04, closed)
On the same subject
My uncle told me that when he was at Sandhurst, Her Maj was overseeing some shite or other.

In the event that she needed to oversee a different kind of shite, they cleared out a storage cupboard, cleaned it, painted it and plumbed a toilet in it. As soon as she'd left, a couple of MPs went in with hammers and smashed it up and carried off the bits, to deter 'sight-seers'.

Gives a whole new meaning to sitting on the throne!
(, Wed 2 Apr 2008, 15:56, closed)
'shite-seers', non?
(, Wed 2 Apr 2008, 16:53, closed)
Buckshot, that...
...actually sounds more feasible than the original stiry IMHO. Even when it was told to me there was enough Jimmy Hillage to set several friction fires.
(, Wed 2 Apr 2008, 16:54, closed)
A veritable Jimmy Mountain.
(, Wed 2 Apr 2008, 17:46, closed)

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