Slapstick? Or farce?
A story that was related to me about the boyfriend of a former colleague of my ex. I wish I’d been there to see it.

It’s summer in the mid 1990s, the day is hot, and our hero turns his thoughts to barbecues. Inviting some mates around to partake in charred meaty goodness and beer from the safety and comfort of his extensive back garden, he sets up the barbie, chucks some charcoal and firelighters on, and gets to work. Except the bloody thing doesn’t seem to want to light and keeps going out. This is somewhat irksome, as every time he thinks he’s got the flames going, they die down to nothing again.

“What burns easily?” he thinks, and deciding that newspaper would be a good option, sets about stuffing old copies of the local “full of adverts and stories of vandalised gravestones” rag into various bits of the tray. Which are slightly damp on account of having been left in the garage, so the barbie still refuses to light properly.

Taking the next obvious step, he gets the jerry can out of the boot of his car, and proceeds to pour a “bit” of petrol on the charcoal to help the flames along. Lighting a match, he places it carefully in the coals and watches, when suddenly…

Huge flames start dancing wildly from the coals. Oh fuck. A bit too much petrol, perhaps. Get some water, chuck it on. No impact whatsoever. Panic sets in as the fire is now becoming a mini inferno and threatening to spread. Shit. What else? Oh yeah, on chip pan fire adverts they chuck towels over to dampen the flames don’t they? I’ll do that. So, our hero gets the biggest towel he can find and repeats what he’s seen on the telly dozens of times. Except in his panic, he forgets to wet it first…

The towel rapidly goes up in flames, adding to the blaze and threatening to reach the little wooden picnic table situated in the garden. Oh Christ, this is getting really bad. Get the towel off the barbie quickly and stamp on it to get the fire out. Gingerly, (and somewhat stupidly) he reaches for the one piece of towel not currently on fire, and whips it from the grill, only for a wayward flame to slightly burn his arm. He lets out a yelp of shock, and his immediate reaction is to violently throw the towel as far away as possible…

Only for it to land in the garden hedge, which is tinder dry due to the unprecedented lack of rainfall... Next thing the little group of sausage munchers know is that the whole hedge is rapidly set ablaze as the fire spreads with startling speed. Cue his panicking girlfriend ringing the fire brigade, imploring them to come quickly, whilst our hero and the rest of the guests desperately rush to the kitchen to fill as many receptacles with water as they can find and try optimistically to dampen the mini bush fire that is threatening to take out half the neighbourhood.

The fire brigade arrived within five minutes and got the flames under control. The barbecue, unfortunately, was completely fucked, and the hedge reduced to charcoal as a result. Which was quite ironic, really, given the circumstances.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sat 23 Jan 2010, 16:57, Reply)