Scents and associations
On the summer when I was a racetrack groom I was smoking as much as I ever did- about a half a pack a day at my heaviest, which translates to about 10 a day. Not that I could really afford it at the time, but what the hell- who needs food, right? Besides, a pack of cigarettes helped keep my appetite at bay.

I might add here that I was my current height of 5' 11", but weighed about 90 lbs less than I do now- about 130 or so, I would guess. (That's what, about 9 stone? Just for you British types...) So this was not necessarily the smartest thing to do, but as I said, I couldn't afford much.

Anyway, let me set the scene for you. I was 19 and came from a rather sheltered background, one where I was in the city during the week for school and isolated in the woods on the weekends. I had had about zero control over my own life at that point, and it was really chafing at me badly- I wanted to be free to do as I thought best. I had gone to school for electronics because that's what the parents thought would be a good trade for me, but it turned out that my mind doesn't deal well enough with total abstractions to be good at that. I had terrible fights with them over this, and had an older girlfriend who was encouraging me to make a break for independence. So that summer I informed my parents that I was in fact not coming home for the summer, preferring to make my own way and pay for my own damn food and not have to answer to them or anyone else. With the girlfriend's help I got a job as a groom and did exactly that.

In retrospect it was a very difficult summer, spent among some of the true dregs of society- basically homeless vagrants, runaways and completely uneducated people to whom a book was something that only braniacs and faggots ever bothered with. I stood out to say the least, as I have a very extensive vocabulary and a sharp wit. I didn't have a drug or alcohol problem, which also set me apart- and probably was what made me an attractive employee to the stables I worked for. But I learned how to fit in and work alongside them, and I pulled my weight.

That summer was spent outdoors, starting in May. Mornings started out with bad coffee and whatever I could get for a buck at the track cafeteria, generally a couple of candy bars, and lunch and dinner were little better- generally Kraft macaroni and cheese with a can of tuna mixed in, or something equally cheap and horrid. Hard physical work and little food stripped me down to the skeletal condition described above- but damn it, I was free.

For me, the smell of cigarettes will often take me back to those days in late spring where my belly was snarling from the lack of food, I was bone tired and covered in grime and the sweat of horses as well as my own- but to me it was heaven to stand there in the mornings with the bad coffee and the cigarettes and the scent of hay mingled with the earthy smell of the stalls. I smoked my cigarettes and tasted adulthood and freedom.

And that's why I've never fully given them up.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 19 Mar 2008, 20:51, 1 reply)

130lbs is 9st 4lbs
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Thu 20 Mar 2008, 17:35, closed)