Pidgeony’s Theory of Need and Satisfaction
I’m a sometime smoker, although that ‘sometime’ often morphs into ‘all the fekking time’. If given a reason to smoke (drink, drink, after sex, boredom, drink), I will happily puff my way through a sailor’s supply of cigarettes.

I noted a correlation between the times I gave up smoking and my general mood and demeanour at the time. Could it be, b3tards, that smoking made me happy? I consulted science and came up with Pidgeony’s Theory of Need and Satisfaction:

The average person on a typical day feels ‘want’ a handful of times: they feel hunger, have food and therefore feel satisfied. Feel a bit horny? Need wank, have wank, feel satisfied and happy. And so this pattern continues in the average person’s life – the fulfilment of need and the satisfaction that arises from it.

A smoker, on the other hand, goes through this want / satisfaction cycle many times a day. They want a cigarette, have a cigarette and therefore feel satisfaction. In another hour, the need will arise again and, once more, they will sate their desire and thus become happy again. This relationship continues at intervals throughout the day, thus making a smoker happy, say, 20 times per day.

Mind, smokers also experience the wants and happiness of the ‘average’ person, satisfying their food/water/drink/wanking needs. The only thing is; they’ve got that extra kick, those extra 20 moments of happiness and satisfaction.

Therefore I deduce that smokers are, as a whole, happier people.* **

*Until they get cancer and die.
**Warning: my theory does not actually stand up to scientific method, logic, medicine, uh, governance of addiction, hmmmm…but whatevs.

My first cigarette? One would think I might remember something which birthed such a formative experience of my later years. But do I remember it? Do I feck.
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Thu 20 Mar 2008, 9:31, Reply)