My First Smoke
I love smoking. I really really love smoking. Throughout my life I have never managed to get addicted to anything except smoking. I am a casual drug taker (Disco Biscuits and Charlie), but, only when in situations where it socially acceptable (work, church etc). To be honest if I never touched them again I wouldn’t mind. To be brutally honest I easily submit to peer pressure.
During a dark time in my life I would smoke spliff after spliff for about 2 years on end. One day I woke up and didn’t want to smoke it anymore. I haven’t since then.
Occasionally I decide I don’t want to drink for a while. I gave up for six months last year while I was saving for a deposit.
I even once gave up sex for 3 months………er…..yeah…..of course it was my choice…..

But smoking. Bloody smoking. I cant give it up. It’s always there. Nicotine patches, nicotine gum, therapy, hypnosis, 7 week plans – I have tried it all and yet I will smoke 20 today. And tomorrow. And so on.

The odd thing is I was forced into this habit.

Sophie was a really good friend of mine when I was 15. She was a laugh, but, a smoker. The problem Sophie had was that her dad would smack her around if he ever caught her smoking. One day when she got home her dad found a pack of fags on her and she didn’t come to school for a few days. The guy was a total cunt.
Anyways – when she came back to school she asked me kindly to take her fags home and give them to her in the morning on the walk to school. This seemed logical to me – I don’t smoke – cant possibly get in trouble.

Eventually I was caught. I was carrying my coat upstairs and the packet fell out right in front of my mum. She went fucking apeshit. The kind of crazy that can result in child death. The kind of crazy that reminds you that there is a bit of Jack Nicholson in every mother. The kind of crazy that a liter of morphine wont even dent. While she was bouncing up and down screaming at me I started shouting “they are not mine – I am JUST LOOKING AFTER THEM”. Strangely – this excuse didn’t work. I cant imagine why.

“Outside” she shrieked, in a tone similar to rusty bus brakes.
I stood in the garden and was passed the packet.
“Open itttt” This time she sounded more like a pissed off god of thunder.
I did – inside the box of Marlboro red were about 14 cigs.
“Now smoke them. Smoke them all”
At 1st I hated the taste. By the 2nd I felt sick. By the 5th I was sick. By the 10th I started to strangely enjoy it. I kept glancing at my reflection in the glass doors. I looked pretty fucking cool. I looked well hard. I breathed the smoke out of my mouth and watched to dragon like explosion from my nose in the glass. By the 14th smoke I had mastered looking painfully cool while smoking. Clint Eastwood had nothing on me.

I couldn’t wait to show off on the way to school.

Thanks mum for starting me on the road to my early death. I have been smoking for over 12 years now. I cant shake the habit. I will keep trying.
( KISS.ME.WHERE.I.POO Signed the sex offenders register on, Tue 25 Mar 2008, 17:46, Reply)