Zut Alors!
People always ask homosexuals “When did you know you were gay?” But nobody ever asks heterosexuals “When did you know you were straight?” Probably because it’s a stupid fucking question and only a moron would ask it. However, should a friendly moron ever ask me such a question I can pinpoint almost to the day that girls went from being confusing creatures that didn’t warrant any attention, to confusing creatures that occupy every waking thought, and thanks to Vanessa Paradis, some of my unconscious thoughts as well.

Let me explain. It’s 1987, I’m 9 years old and watching Top of The Pops with my family and TOTP is showing the video for “Joe Le Taxi” by Vanessa Paradis. I don’t remember the experience having much of an effect on me at the time but that night I had my first-ever erotic dream starring, you guessed it, Vanessa Paradis. Being 9 years old this dream consisted of Vanessa and I talking, making eye contact…and not much else but I woke up with a new set of feelings that were different and strange.

As a side note, I find it odd that it was the video that started all this off, not her controversial live set on TOTP where she danced around in a skimpy black dress (she was only 14 at the time). I have just checked out the video on youtube and she looks like an ugly little French exchange student with attention deficit disorder who refuses to stand still or shut up. It’s also a fucking dreadful song.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=sJrHSfDSm34
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 1 Feb 2010, 10:55, 1 reply)

I entirely concur with all sentiments in this post.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 1 Feb 2010, 11:25, closed)

You are me
and I claim my five pounds
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 1 Feb 2010, 11:29, closed)

I imagine Johnny Depp concurs entirely too

( Snappyuk gets BIGGER with free sample., Mon 1 Feb 2010, 17:04, closed)