Ring and Run
Some idiot rang my doorbell at 3AM once. It was winter, and--expecting some kind of family emergency--I ran to the door in nothing but boxers and an undershirt. So you can imagine that I was pissed off to find nothing but the howling January wind at the door. I made it halfway up the steps when I realized that it had just snowed; I could follow his footprints.

Screw sleep, I thought. I got dressed and spent the next hour and a half tracing a pair of sneakers in the snow--I waited 45 minutes for his tracks to re-appear after they led to an all-night diner.

From there I just followed him home and peed on his house. That should teach him a lesson.
(MR KEARNS, Thu 31 Jan 2008, 17:20, Reply)