About 4 years ago...
...at a little school called QEHS, Hexham, we had a bit of an experience with a lad we'll call Evil Hell (for that was nearly his name.) He was the sort of chap whose trousers were far too tight and about an inch too high up his leg, who'd run almost everywhere, and who'd say little, except to mutter such classics as 'the mind is a museum without walls' to himself.

Needles to say, there was more than a little something of the night about him, and so we'd always have pity for the ladies he became emphatuated with; never really speaking to them, but following them at close quarters, and every now and then supplying them with perfume or jewlery. We'd also laugh about it quite a lot.

Then one day, he decided to attatch himself to our group of mates. Not by saying anything as such, just by sitting far too close to wherever we were. And following if we moved. He'd toss things into the equasion every now and then, but telling people completely out of context things like 'the chinese used to drug people with opium so as to better use them as assasins' do not ease the tension of a situation. As you can imagine, this situation made simple activities such as talking to the females of the species pretty awkward, as he'd be sitting, or standing, RIGHT THERE.

We were always too nice to just tell him to fuck off though. We discussed just asking him to leave us alone quite alot, but were genuinely scared he might kill himself, or bring some sort of weapon into school if we did. (Oh yeah he's into medieval re-enactment - he really is mental.)

We instead opted to tell our friendly head of year, and ask her what to do about it - can't remember what she used to teach, but chances are if you went to the same school she taught you to put a condom on a broomhandle and showed you pictures of genital warts. She wasn't too helpful, but at least we felt that if he killed himself after this, we had tried our best.

It was later in the week while reading the local paper (god bless the Courant, who will have pissed on Pizza Pizza this week?) that we found out how misjugded our choice of teacher was for our request of 'help stop Evil Hell stalking us.'

There she was on the second page - it turned out that for some time she had been stalking her ex-girlfriend, which had recently culminated in her actually breaking into the womans house! (I can't remember whether she took things or just sniffed knickers, but it came as a suprise either way.)

So there you have it, be wary of who you ask for help, because it may turn out that they are actually mental aswell.
(Daveh, Wed 6 Feb 2008, 16:56, 3 replies)

...
well this is probably the most exciting news the courant has had since the 'murder' and the 'shooting'!
(twiceydrinker hmmm is it pint time?, Thu 7 Feb 2008, 10:01, closed)

What...
you mean they have lesbian teachers in Hexham???

And I always thought it was such a well-to-do place as well...

(Oh, and provicial newspapers are shit, aren't they)?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 7 Feb 2008, 12:04, closed)

@ Davros
yes - you'd be surprised - quite a large L community...along with the blue rinses and well to do families.

(not many GB - sorry all)
(twiceydrinker hmmm is it pint time?, Thu 7 Feb 2008, 12:27, closed)