Where the Hell do I start?
I work in the Historic Dockyard in Portsmouth, and have heard every single one of the following;

Just inside the Dockyard, visible from the bus station, railway station and road, is a large black metal steam ship with a sign next to it saying "HMS WARRIOR 1860". This , apparently, isn't enough, as I've been asked if it's the Mary Rose ("Yes, they built it in 1860, sent it back in time to 1511 where it served in Henry VIII's navy before sinking in 1545 and being raised in 1982"), the Rose Marie (?) the Victory (The wooden ship from the Battle of Trafalgar, which happened in 1805), and most irritatingly, The Titanic ("It funking sunk you twot!") or a replica of it ("It's got fucking masts!")

And you'd think the HMS Victory would be famous enough to be known by it's proper name, rather than as the HMS Nelson (It's the name of the Naval base, so I send them down the road to the main military gate and imagine them trying to get in!), HMS Trafalgar (which is a submarine), the HMS (that's just the HMS), and most stupidly of all, "The Nelson Ship".

At HMS Victory, people seem surprised that you can't take a push chair around, what with them being so common during the Napoleonic wars. I usually tell them that if they want to complain that they should contact Sir Thomas Slade, although they'll have to contact him in 1758 before he designed the ship. They also seem surprised that we won't let them leave their bags outside the ship, which is based in a Naval base. I even had someone ask this last friday. Twot.

I was asked how you get to the Brittania, and I sent them to the railway station and told them to ask for a ticket to Edinburgh.

In the Car Park shop you would often be asked where you paid for your parking, and I would always point them in the direction of the massive (and I do mean MASSIVE) sign with "PAY HERE" written on it. It's much the same when they ask where the Mary Rose is when they're right next to the Giant sign saying "MARY ROSE SHIP HALL"

At the Mary Rose, you are given an audio guide, and all you have to do is press button 0 for the English version. Nothing else, just press button 0. Once. So simple, only a complete moron could get it wrong, you'd think. still, they're better than the ones who "don't need one" and procede to walk around the ship hall talking utter bollocks about the ships history and conservation. It's the "They were much smaller back then" that gets me, especially when someone short says it (FACT! Average Mary Rose crew member height according to the remains of the crew- 5ft 10inches. Who says b3ta's just fwapping and memes?) Oh, and one bloke though it was King Arthurs flagship, and got stroppy when I contradicted him.

And the worst one, which you get at every single ship, is "When does she sail?" Not a stupid question, just really irritating after the thousandth time some twot has said it, expecting you to laugh out loud and congratulate them on their wit. I managed to catch one out once, as the Warrior was being taken into dry dock the next day. That threw the stupid gobshite.

Surprisingly, very few of the people that have said these thing haven't been foreign...

Apologies for length, but I've been wanting to get this off my chest for ages!
(Sciuridae with Paridae How long has it been since I last posted?, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 14:06, Reply)