ORAL SEX AID
What’s the best way to say ‘I love you’? - Simple. Say it with sex aids.

Back when I started working as a travelling salesman I was living with my first serious girlfriend, a girl from Oldham named Gill. As I was going away for a fortnight and leaving her in our flat alone for the first time I thought I’d buy her something romantic, something to remember me by. So I got her a black mamba four-speed 12” vibrator (complete with realistic bulging veins and purple bell end). Gill opened the package, stared at it for a bit, then put it on her dresser.

I went off on my tour of duty, selling insurance policies to gimps, and rang Gill after I’d finished work everyday. On the fourth or fith day I remembered my spectacular gift of love and dedication (to Gill’s excellent and perfectly formed pudenda), and asked her if she’d got round to giving it a try. Gill, very matter-of-factly replied: “Ooh, yes, Spanky! I use it first thing in the morning and last thing at night! Its completely revolutionised my life!” I paused. I had the horrible feeling I was going to be dumped in favor of a 12” lump of plastic; lets face it, it probably had more of a personality than I had anyway.

Then, for the rest of my time away, Gill would explain how she’d been using the black mamba relegiously every morning and every fucking night. My wank bank was bursting at the seams at the thought of Gill laying back on our bed, ramming this prosphetic love dong up her scampy passage.

When I’d finished my sales bollocks I went home. I was horny as hell and Gill told me about what she’d been up to for the last two weeks, her job, how her mum was getting on. It took all my efforts not to say: “Fuck that, tell me about your AMAZING WANKS!!!” But I didn’t. After a few minutes I went off to the toilet for a piss. And there I found the offensive weapon, all black and glistening on the bathroom sink.

Gill had modified it.

It stood on its end, all 12” glorious penisy inches stretching into the sky like a pervy version of the Eiffel Tower – and Gill had sellotaped something to it. Wrapped loads and loads of tape round the length to secure something else to its length. Gill had sellotaped her toothbrush onto it.

Apparently she’d always wanted an electric toothbrush, one of those vibrating jobbies, but had never got round to buying one. And she told me later that since she’d been using this homemade bodge-job every morning and every night her teeth had never felt so clean, apparently. Gill asked if I wanted to see her use it. "No, not really," I said.
( SpankyHanky, Fri 21 Aug 2009, 9:23, 7 replies)

You should've said it with flowers
hahaha - this post has brightened up my morning no end, thanks!
(Milly One, Fri 21 Aug 2009, 9:35, closed)

Ace!!!
Gets a click from me!!!
(Stampy, Fri 21 Aug 2009, 9:41, closed)

Sex aids
Much better than sex AIDS
( e.m.m.y. foxtrot uniform charlie kilo india tango, Fri 21 Aug 2009, 10:42, closed)

Ridiculous
and hilarious, as usual
( chart cat has an itch, Fri 21 Aug 2009, 13:48, closed)

Can't help but wonder...
thereifixedit.com/page/8/
(Twinx, Sat 22 Aug 2009, 1:08, closed)

Awwww
Poor disillusioned Spanky

*grins evilly*


clicks anyway :)
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Sun 23 Aug 2009, 1:28, closed)

scampy passage
* clicks repeatedly *
(tjn whizzing on the electric fence of life, Sun 23 Aug 2009, 2:07, closed)