One day...
Lee Mack was feeling suicidal. He decided to throw himself into a combine harvester, but when he tried he found it was just too fast for him to catch. So he embarked on a lengthy training program to try and increase his speed. After several months, he had almost doubled his pace and felt he could now catch the combine harvester and throw himself into it.

Meanwhile, the lovely Tess Daly was taking a break from presenting Strictly Come Dancing, and was working on her father's farm. On this particular day, she was driving the combine harvester. Suddenly she noticed Lee Mack approaching at a rapid pace, and she tried to stop but he ran directly into the blades of the combine, ripping him into several pieces.

Tess was horrified, but she knew she could save him. She quickly gathered together all of Lee's parts and reassembled them, and gave him the kiss of life. Then she prayed for him to survive. God answered her prayer and Lee made a full recovery. Tess fell in love, and she divorced Vernon Kay, married Lee, and they lived happily ever after.

So, in the end it was a miracle that Tess collated quick Lee.
( calibrax loves teh hamsters (not in that way), Sat 11 Jan 2014, 11:55, 3 replies)

I like this

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sat 11 Jan 2014, 12:49, closed)

Amazing.

(Oooh_cuntroversial Where have I been?, Sat 11 Jan 2014, 19:02, closed)

I like
the way the very first word of this saves me reading any of the rest of it.
( .Yeti., Sat 11 Jan 2014, 23:12, closed)