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This is a question "Well, that escalated quickly"

Xavier the Happy Bear says: Tales of when it all kicked off. A combination of Xmas, old family woes and a metric fuckton of alcohol lit the fuse for my family recently. What caused shit to 'go down' for you and what was the damage?

(, Thu 9 Jan 2014, 15:00)
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have any of you ever tried cooked placenta? does it taste nice?
asking for a friend
(, Tue 14 Jan 2014, 11:48, 3 replies)
I went to see a production of Henry V
Where Pistol's wife was down the bottom of a deep hole filled with water, but fortunately there was a winch with a piece of rope and a bucket attached and she was able to return to the surface.
(, Tue 14 Jan 2014, 11:35, 1 reply)
I was on an out of control escalator once.
Fucking went well fast.
(, Tue 14 Jan 2014, 11:05, Reply)
My dear friend Edward suggested a plummy walk through England's marvellous countryside in search of the beautiful weirs and tributaries in order to observe the aquatic life within.

However, after many hours of rambling and looking at festering streams, I suggested we embark on a trip to a favourite of mine in an attempt to rest his fears that all of England's fair waterways had succumbed to neglect.

Imagine his delight as he feasted his eyes upon the glorious stretch of tidily kept riverbanks of North Yorkshire.

Yes, that Esk allayed Ted quickly.
(, Tue 14 Jan 2014, 10:50, 7 replies)
(, Tue 14 Jan 2014, 7:36, 5 replies)
Replacing the shrine
I wanted to build a small shrine dedicated to the Life and Times of Breaking Bad's Walter White. My sister and I worked together and made something nice.

In a couple of months, the shrine was stolen and scattered in pieces. There is something apropos about vandals bedeviling a monument to a criminal, of course, but still, it was distressing. We started working on a replacement.

Part of the problem was the dodgy neighborhood, so we started looking for a better one. An actor contacted me and made a kind offer for a better site. My sister was suspicious of his motives, however. I urged "we've got to respond to his offer."

In response, she sobbed that I betrayed her trust for filthy lucre. I must be taking money from any actor who offers. We haven't talked much since, and the project is on ice.

I haven't taken any money from any actors, of course, but maybe it's just lack of imagination on my part. After all, actors work by the principle "you pay, we'll say". Maybe I should go into the business of building shrines to actors. Vanity is inexhaustible, and the demand is there. Stately avenues lined with Oscar statuettes, for example.
(, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 21:52, 13 replies)
No situation escalates quicker than a spoiled child not getting what he wants
This young chap had everything he could have wanted. Life had been good to him. His was the life that we all aspired to live. SKY TV, a remote control Megazord and not just a Mega Drive but a SNES AND a Gameboy!

One day, in the space of two minutes, he went from Mr Primary School Popularity 1995 to a child destined for a life of mockery. He was found in the middle of the playground crying his eyes out and throwing a such a wobbler that multiple teachers had to restrain him from bashing his mother with a broken, what to my 7 year old self seemed to be a fucking massive huge, tree branch. What had set him off on this violent escapade?

It was Red Nose Day. His mum had come to school at lunch to give him his red nose. Unfortunately it wasn't one of the brand new colour changing ones. Instead it was an ordinary red nose, possibly from a couple of Comic Relief campaigns ago. And like any rational young child he decided that this was a crime that could only be punished by violent stick-based matricide.
(, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 20:11, 17 replies)
I just got some 70's style bathroom flooring done.
They were in and out within half an hour.
I thought to myself "that tesselated quickly"
(, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 14:14, 15 replies)
I was roaming through Syndicate with my spaceship buddies
When Goonswarm dropped a couple of carriers on us. So we counter-dropped some dreads, next thing you know everyone's involved, Brave Noobies, iRed, Test etc. Then someone tries to do a drive-by with a Titan, that gets tackled by some heavy interdictors and a load of caps died.

This is the Eve Online forum right?
(, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 12:52, 2 replies)
I used my l33t hax0r skillz to track down internet bullies
Then ended up getting both of my accounts banned, being put on the 'ban on sight' list and my daughter was taken into care.

I didn't expect any of those repercussions.
(, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 12:35, 3 replies)
I used to love her
But I had to kill her.
(, Mon 13 Jan 2014, 7:48, 38 replies)
I once saw someone tell Broadsword that breasts aren't that great.

(, Sun 12 Jan 2014, 18:00, 21 replies)
In a night club in little town called Leeds...
ol' young Halfaxa was dancing away to the classics with soon-to-be mrs. Halfaxa when mutual friend shows up. Pleasantries exchanged, plan to go to the bar made.

Bit of background info on mutual friend, she's been know to be dodgy, bitchy, a part-time sex worker and all round class(less) act but, has been known to be fun so we let it slide.

At the bar I'm leaning at, waiting to be served, mutual friend taps my shoulders and says "Can you git us one too?". I motion yes and make the money symbol with my hand to indicate that I'll need more than what I have on me (£10 note at the moment), a £5 note is pressed into my hand and I turn back around waiting to be served.

Moments later mutual friend pushes next to be and tries to grab all the money in my hand. I turn and ask if she decided she didn't want a drink now, to which she replied yes and I give her the £5 back.

She protests that she gave me the £10 that bad been in my hand since before she came along, I try to calmly explain that no, that was not the case. She told some sob story how that was her only money now to which I explained to her yes, she can have her £5 back, she tries grabbing my money out my hand again and then pushes my face throwing her £5 on the floor and storming off with the lad who'd be desperately trying to get attention from her all night.

For the rest of the night she screamed liar at me when ever she walked past (having gentlemen buy her drinks for the rest of the night it seems), I left early as I had better things to do with soon-to-be mrs. Halfaxa and to this day we don't talk to her.

The grand irony is that the drink she asked for cost more than £5 and I was going to pay the rest anyway. oh I'm also scottish so I know exactly how much money I have on me, the stupid cunt.

This is more a gripe than a funny story really.
(, Sun 12 Jan 2014, 14:03, 15 replies)

(, Sun 12 Jan 2014, 12:50, 5 replies)
I was once sitting in a Café in Sarajevo when the Archduke Ferdinand was driven past. I had an old pistol so I thought, "This'll be a lark"

(, Sun 12 Jan 2014, 11:44, 4 replies)
Facebook War

Apologies for the cheezburger link but I think it's worth it this once.
(, Sun 12 Jan 2014, 2:10, 8 replies)
Apologies is this has already been posted
(, Sat 11 Jan 2014, 23:09, 1 reply)
Sigh. Here it is again, the "whale that escalated quickly"
Just Google for "exploding whale gif" again, if you like.

My heart's not really in this one.
(, Sat 11 Jan 2014, 19:50, Reply)
I once cooked a thin slice of tenderised meat without making a sound that was my escalope quietly go fuck yourself.

(, Sat 11 Jan 2014, 16:45, 3 replies)
Duck, when you see this coming
Got a little allotment, nothing too grand, just grow a bit of veg and keep a few chicken and ducks.
Have a big mean old mallard that we call Bruce Lee because he comes flying at you like a ninja when you go to feed them and is always the one that gets the most food.
Theyre good for keeping down the garden pests though, specially snails, I collect the snails, break their shells and chuck them into the pen where they are gobbled up.
Bruce of course bullies his way to the front and theres an almighty scuffle while he stuffs his beak, the result being..
Escargot laded quack lee

Oh I ought to be thoroughly ashamed of myself for that
(, Sat 11 Jan 2014, 16:14, 1 reply)
One day...
Lee Mack was feeling suicidal. He decided to throw himself into a combine harvester, but when he tried he found it was just too fast for him to catch. So he embarked on a lengthy training program to try and increase his speed. After several months, he had almost doubled his pace and felt he could now catch the combine harvester and throw himself into it.

Meanwhile, the lovely Tess Daly was taking a break from presenting Strictly Come Dancing, and was working on her father's farm. On this particular day, she was driving the combine harvester. Suddenly she noticed Lee Mack approaching at a rapid pace, and she tried to stop but he ran directly into the blades of the combine, ripping him into several pieces.

Tess was horrified, but she knew she could save him. She quickly gathered together all of Lee's parts and reassembled them, and gave him the kiss of life. Then she prayed for him to survive. God answered her prayer and Lee made a full recovery. Tess fell in love, and she divorced Vernon Kay, married Lee, and they lived happily ever after.

So, in the end it was a miracle that Tess collated quick Lee.
(, Sat 11 Jan 2014, 11:55, 3 replies)
My unintelligent acquaintance was sent to walk along the Golden Mile in Durban
yadda yadda that Esplanaded thick Lee.
(, Sat 11 Jan 2014, 11:53, 3 replies)
I drove a luxury cadillac SUV around a village in Devon.
I guess you could say I Escaladed Bickleigh
(, Sat 11 Jan 2014, 0:19, 2 replies)
A friend of mine keeps notes on all the doctors he's shagged
That's his collated quack lay.
(, Fri 10 Jan 2014, 17:54, 8 replies)
It was the christening of my youngest child.
My Son, who we asked to be a Godparent, decided he was wearing Khakis for such a formal occasion. We all tried talking to him but he got really pissy about it, shouting and demanding he could wear them as they were nice Khakis. We even offered him other clothes but he held a massive fuss and fell out on everyone.
Doesn't talk to us now, the scruffy arsehole.
(, Fri 10 Jan 2014, 17:43, 13 replies)
I was in this shop, yeah?
And it had these magic moving stairs, yeah?
And they went fast, innit, so I got to the floor I wanted well quick, and got all my shoplifting done with time to spare.
(, Fri 10 Jan 2014, 17:25, Reply)
I like to play harpsichord sonatas at twice the marked speed.
That's a Scarlatti quickly.
(, Fri 10 Jan 2014, 16:02, 2 replies)

(, Fri 10 Jan 2014, 14:48, 23 replies)
I visited the Stratosphere restaurant in Las Vegas.
My ears popped.
(, Fri 10 Jan 2014, 13:39, 2 replies)

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