My nan...
Years ago, I guess I was about 12, I went to visit my Nan for dinner, but for some reason I was running late, so by the time I let myself in, she was already eating, and, honestly, this plate of meat she was eating was huge, absolutely huge, and my Nan was only a skinny old thing. I actually commented on the size of her meal.

‘I know, but by the time I got in, I was so hungry I felt like I could eat a horse’ she said.

And to be fair, judging by the size of the plate she had, I almost believe that she actually was.

It seemed kind of odd though, because she’d been shopping with my Mum that afternoon and my mum had taken her to lunch at some chain tacky steakhouse thing, Bernies Grill or whatever and had come home moaning that my Nan had had the largest, most expensive steak on the menu. She said something like ‘I don’t know how she did it, but I may as well have just bought her the whole cow’.

Although thinking back, she always did have a voracious appetite, I remember when I was younger we’d been to a Jamaican market somewhere around Brent Cross or somewhere and she’d gone to a food stall and ordered a massive goat curry. At the time I found the idea of goat curry repulsive, but she scoffed it all down in seconds, literally just opened her throat and it was gone.

Still, I shouldn’t have been surprised that she ate the curry given that she lived near a Korean restaurant that was widely rumoured to sell dog meat if you had the right connections, and apparently my Nan did, or at least claimed she did, cos she was always bragging about eating it.

What with that and her willingness to eat take away from the cheapest Chinese on the street, I guess there was nothing that phased her. You know the type of take away I mean, where everyone believes that the serve cat instead of chicken.

What’s absurd is that she also had a taste for the finer things. If someone else was paying she loved nothing better than a stuffed pheasant or some other game bird. She could easily eat a whole one.

My favourite story though, was when she was on holiday somewhere exotic and came back saying she’d eaten tarantula. Christ, my stomach churned at the thought of eating a spider.

Shit, sorry, I am waffling, the point is, despite her food extravagances, she was as tight as a gnats proverbial, she refused to spend even the slightest amount of money on basic hygiene products for example, so her house was this filthy fly ridden dump of a place. Really disgusting, always things buzzing around your head, had to keep swatting them away from your mouth and stuff, it was grim.

When she died after, basically, eating herself to death, it was discovered that she had a tapeworm, hence her appetite.

And how had she contracted that tapeworm?

She’d swallowed a fly.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 24 Oct 2008, 11:34, 18 replies)

Clicky.
I like this muchly, for I didn't get it until the very end.

I almost clicked 'ignore' in error. Oops.
(ThomsonsPier consumes, Fri 24 Oct 2008, 11:41, closed)

I ate dog once
It was too rich for me and I ended sick as a, well, dog, in the restaurant car park for half an hour.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Fri 24 Oct 2008, 11:45, closed)

*slaps head*
Nicely done ... have a click. No, really. Go on. You deserve it.
(Penguins_Made_Me_Do_It is a dolt ... and she don't care, Fri 24 Oct 2008, 11:45, closed)

Tell us about measures that go beyond simple belt tightening into the realms of Mr Scrooge
?
(wrigglesworth, Fri 24 Oct 2008, 13:22, closed)

Go on...
...you can do it...
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 24 Oct 2008, 14:06, closed)

click click click
I really like this. Took me right till the last word to get it!
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 24 Oct 2008, 14:08, closed)

much praise
very subtle and clever
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 24 Oct 2008, 14:20, closed)

Nice
*hoists comedy outsized thumb aloft*
(Pickettywitchfinder General, Fri 24 Oct 2008, 14:32, closed)

You complete and utter
bastard!

Got me a proper treat there. Have a click!
(Pirate Monkey is not the goddamn Batman, Fri 24 Oct 2008, 15:53, closed)

Fuck me
that is good.
(Hippo_of_Doom, Sun 26 Oct 2008, 17:18, closed)

woo and, indeed, yay
that's rather excellent!
(Chad, Mon 27 Oct 2008, 11:29, closed)

I don't understand it
Is it something very English?
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 27 Oct 2008, 15:59, closed)

Out of the kindness of my heart
Hah.

kids.niehs.nih.gov/lyrics/oldlady.htm
(DigitalRaven will have to make do with gin, Tue 28 Oct 2008, 15:58, closed)

Oh I get it...
But it should be Curry-Goat not goat curry.
(karnuvap, Tue 28 Oct 2008, 11:31, closed)

*applause*
Normally I hate the "joke" entries because 9 out of 10 of them are just shit, but that was quite, quite genius :D
( Mike Fishcake teamfishcake.co.uk - better than your mum's face, Tue 28 Oct 2008, 14:46, closed)

Glorious!
Now that's what I call subtle. *click*
(DigitalRaven will have to make do with gin, Tue 28 Oct 2008, 15:58, closed)

This is fucking ace.
I got an inkling something was up but you got me good 'n proper. The best alternative post here for a long, long time.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 29 Oct 2008, 11:10, closed)

Bravo!!
*applauds*


*clicks*
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Wed 29 Oct 2008, 14:00, closed)