Best QOTW for a while...Toilet humour is great!
First - Girlfriend and I were out in a manky old club. she went to the bogs and returned sobbing. she had dropped her mobile down the pan as she turned round to flush it. The phone was obviously totalled, but she wanted the sim-card back. I borrowed the tongs from the ice-bucket at the bar, went into the bogs and scooped the phone from the manky bowl. I hope they washed those tongs when I gave them back.

Second - I crapped myself a while back. Havent done that since I was in nappies, but for no reason, completely without warning, not even the urge to fart, I just suddenly filled my pants. Fortunately I was wearing a boiler suit over my jeans so there was no leakage for anyone to see. The site toiltet was a 2 minute drive away. I sat in my own crapped pants and drove the landrover to the site, wiped up and flushed my shreddies down the pan.

Third - The bus station in Inverness. I went for a whizz in the toilets. Turned out the guy at the next urinal was having a wank. If my nob was as small as his, I would be embarrased to show it in public.

Fourth - out on the lash a few years back, Needed to spew, ran to the bogs, slammed and locked the only cubicle door and let rip. My aim was terrible and I spewed all over the bowl, cistern, wall, toilet-roll holder and floor. oops. I then suddenly need to crap too. No way was my arse going near that pan so I did the high-altitude hovering thing and crapped. Missed the bog again and it went all down the bowl and onto the floor. oops. I really do apologise to anyone who had to use the toilet that night and feel sorry for the cleaners.

Finally - Thinking about it now, my aim is terrible. I hate dumping in public toilets and never want to put my arse on the piss-ridden seat so always do the high-altitude hover thing and most of the time my shit splatters everywhere except in the bowl.
Several times I have uttered "I wouldnt go in there mate, some twat has crapped all over the place" to whatever poor sod goes to use the bog after I have done this.
(dave likes cheese, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 16:39, Reply)