Tiny Fury of the Forest
This didn't occur in a public toilet, it occured in the Great Outdoors. Nonetheless, I think it's pretty funny:

Due to an extremely regrettable combination of drinking Thursday and Friday nights, pizza, and Taco Bell, halfway up a fairly good-sized hill on a Saturday hike I realized that I was about to have an extreme Intestinal Experience. It was the kind of Intestinal Experience which causes you to be incredibly aware, deep in the forest, that there are NO restroom facilities for at least a good mile and a half around, and there is no way in hell that you are going to make it there, unless, of course, you prefer your Intestinal Experiences in your pants. If you know what I mean.

And so I told my companion to go on ahead, as I was going to need some privacy.

I walked off the trail a fair bit, found a tree that offered visual privacy, dropped trou, and set upon the task before (or behind) me.

Now, the tree that I chose was entirely surrounded by a deep layer of moss, and the trail itself was very soft and spongy, so I was making almost no sound whatsoever before I got behind the tree. You really couldn't hear footfalls. I'm assuming that this allowed me to surprise the denizen of said tree--an extremely small (and extremely pissed) squirrel.

So there I am, in possibly the most undignified posture I've ever been in, my bowels squelching and squirting, and this tiny little squirrel no bigger than a moderately sized pastry is screeching at me less than two feet from my head. Perhaps it had wee squirrel babes up there, but still. I outsized it by about a factor of 150, and there it is, flicking its little fluffy tail back and forth and making Extremely Upset Squirrel Squeaks.

"Shut UP!" I said. "I'm not a predator, goddammit!"

Of course, it did not. Not once, during the entire uncomfortable duration of my turd-passing.

You really haven't experienced absurdity until you've been chewed out by a squirrel while having unscheduled diarrhea in the woods.
(herbivorous, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 7:50, Reply)