Farts! Wives! Shops! Disgrace!
I decided to go out. Long story short, did a lot of coke and a fair few pills. And was horribly pissed. I was out all night, got an hours kip, and consequently had a whole variety of noxious gases fighting one another for release.

I gamely held them in, but I was becoming more bloated by the second. Eventually the pressure became critical and a fart that had been brewing for hours was released.

It was a warm, cosy experience lasting whole seconds, and was blessedly silent. It was just bad luck that I happened to be in the downstairs of a particularly small and over populated shop.

I eased my way around the room, distancing myself from the scene of the crime. Then it started. People began to migrate towards my side of the shop discussing the smell. Some started discussing a potential drainage problem. Seconds passed and if anything the odour intensified as it wafted towards us.

My missus, recognising it as one of mine (partially because I was trying to suppress a grin), gave me a filthy look and left the store, hotly persued by every other customer, all looking around to see who had perpertrated this horific crime. I was trying to look equally insulted by the pong but all the time I was biting my cheek to prevent myself laughing and was feeling rather proud of myself.

Outside the shop I began to laugh, nearly weeping.My missus, less impressed, was very annoyed and embarrassed.

And that is the story of how I cleared an entire shop just by farting.

Oh, and as a post script, I did exactly the same 20 minutes later in a jewellers. I was sent home in disgrace and spent the entire evening chuckling.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Fri 21 Sep 2007, 14:10, Reply)