Hospital Story
Ok, a few years ago, I went to Addenbrokes Hospital in Cambridge to have some kidney stones blasted out with Lithotripsy.

Lithotripsy involves you lying on a contraption which is essentially a cross between a sink and a bed whilst a fat man in thick child-molester glasses shatters your stones with ultrasound.

I arrived prompt for my appointment at 2pm, to be shown promptly at 4pm into the pre-med area. A plump nurse in black stockings and brogue shoes asked me to disrobe and put on one of those gowns that hospitals have which leave your posterior exposed to the elements. You're about to find out why they need to get to your bottom in a hurry when you wear one of those gowns.

Now, the Lithotripsy process is an outpatient one, and takes around an hour from start to finish, so they need to administer pain relief which will take effect quickly.

In short, they give you a strong painkiller in the form of a suppositary.

I was asked to lie down, turn to one side and being my knees up to my chest whilst stern matron shoved the lozenge up my chutney chute.

The trouble was, I had felt that I might need to pass a stool or two after the session had completed. Once the suppositary had been propelled up its trajectory that need turned to desperation.

I started to laugh.

"Are you ok?" she bellowed.

I couldnt answer, I was laughing too hard, and then my ringpiece gave way.
What I can only describe as a shit tsunami erupted from my brown knot, and in staccato fashion splattered her perfect whites.

This made me laugh even more

When the barrage subsided, she angrily scolded me for not telling her I needed to go to the toilet before she administered the medication.

There will always be a special place in my heart for Lithotripsy.
(Vic Flange, Wed 26 Sep 2007, 14:43, Reply)