My Mother is a gay man trapped in a woman's body.
I'm sure of it - why else would she be so obsessed with poo pipes?

The evidence:

Although she has a terrible long-term memory (due to many sessions of ECT) she can vividly recall any poo related incidents from mine or my brother's childhoods.

It's traumatizing enough to hear your parents shagging, but my brother and I had our ears assaulted on a regular basis by our mother groaning "ASS!ASS!" followed by slapping sounds.

We were regularly forced to drink Pripsen Powders (the worse taste in the world) 'just incase' we caught worms.

After she and my Dad divorced, she met a new man (who would later become my step-dad) of whom she informed me was 'called Dave and has a colostomy bag'.

When my Step-dad died, I went with her to register his death. 'Bowel Cancer' wasnt a dramatic enough description for her to give - she preferred 'Cancer of the Anal Stump'

She used to have a dog. When he was due his injections or what-not she would always say 'right Sandy, off to have a finger up your bum' and then inform me for the umpteenth time 'I like to have his anal glands emptied while I'm there'.

She discusses her piles with anyone who'll listen and makes sure that even those who wont, still know about them. She left a tube of pile cream on top of her toilet cistern, with shit covered nozzle still attached. I only just managed to stop my then toddler son picking it up *heave*

She has been seeing a Proctologist (A.K.A. Arse Doctor) on and off for years. She's has many tests - cameras, the lot and can never really find a cause for her 'symptoms'. I think I may have discovered it though - once while regalling me on her latest procedure, she ended with 'it wasnt too bad - infact, I quite enjoyed it'

There's probably more, but my guts are churning enough as it is :(
(Mademoiselle_Nobs woof, Wed 12 Sep 2007, 18:06, Reply)